Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: And we're watching you.
Jake: No we're not.
(In a car in heavy traffic)
Amir: (singing) Nevermind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don't-- (Jake turns on radio and quickly turns it off)
I have a headache.
Jake: You were just singing.
Amir: I can sing, I just, it hurts me to hear other people sing. It's like how you can make fun of my mom, but I can't.
Jake: That's not how that works.
Amir: It's 'cause I'm too close to her, but you have a lot of material to work with--she's dumb and short. (pause) We shoulda never taken the freeway, man. Zgh (half sneeze-cough noise) freeway this time of day, zgh, forget about it. Killer.
Jake: Such a bad laugh. It's like you're not breathing.
Amir: Tzgh.
Jake: No, let it out.
Amir: Tzgh.
Jake: Stop it, it makes me, like, anxious.
Amir: Tzgh.
Jake: What' funny right now to you?
Amir: Jgh.
Jake: You're like a choking animal.
Amir: I'm trying out a new laugh.
Jake: Don't.
Amir: Get off here.
Jake: Where?
Amir: Just get off here. My GPS says there's like back roads we can take to the freeway.
Jake: What GPS?
Amir: I don't have it on me, it was from--just get off and I'll use my frickin' spidey sense, okay? I'm really good at navigating city streets.
Jake: We have to get to the airport. We have to make our flight. This is the only way we can go.
(Amir farts) Amir: Jerk.
Jake: Don't say jerk as you fart like that. Roll down your window.
Amir: Let's just clambake it. Are you really a girl? (pause) What is the meaning of this madness? I know. My phone does say gridlock traffic for the next three miles, though.
Jake: Your phone has been dead for three days.
Amir: Oh, is that how long we've been stuck in this gridlock? (Amir laughs, honks horn in frustration that Jake doesn't) LAUGH!
Jake: Why would you do that?
Amir: Lemme just look at your phone. Nngh (same noise as before). (Into phone) Hello, 411? Yeah, Amir here. Amir Hurwitz. Why the traffic?
Jake: It doesn't matter why there's traffic. We have to stay on this road no matter what.
Amir: She says hold on, but it's gridlock.
Jake: Gimme my phone.
Amir: How bout I drop it?
Jake: How bout you don't.
Amir: What's the magic word?
Jake: Please don't.
Amir: Be my slave for a month.
Jake: Fine.
Amir: Fine what?
Jake: Fine, I'll be your slave for a month.
(Amir throws phone out the window)
Amir: Let's just do you're my slave for two weeks, okay?
Jake: No.
Amir: For two measly weeks you won't even be my slave? Oh my God, I thought you were a bitch, but I didn't think you were a bitch extraordinary!
Jake: Okay, I'm not even pissed, alright? You just owe me five hundre--Oh my God. (Amir just out of car window to retrieve phone)
Amir: (on the windshield) Guess what, man? You're my slave now. (drops the phone) Oh no! For two weeks. For two weeks!
Jake: Hey! Get in the car.