INTRO- BEN: Hey. My name is Ben Schwartz and together we can make a difference. Jake and Ameesh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EXT: Park
AMIR: How is this fun?
JAKE: Because we're on vacation from work.
AMIR: EH!
JAKE: Because it's nice outside.
AMIR: Wrong!
JAKE: Why ask the question if there's not a right answer?
(A net is thrown on Jake and Amir)
(Enter Mountain Hiker)
JAKE: Jesus Christ!
AMIR: AH!
MOUNTAIN HIKER: I gotcha ya! Finally!
AMIR: Yay!
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Ah, I'm so sorry. I thought you guys were cows.
JAKE: Why?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Because of the way you were talking.
JAKE: You heard us talking and then you thought we were cows?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Who am I?
JAKE: Nobody asked that.
AMIR: I did.
JAKE: You did not ask that. I am standing right next to you.
AMIR: Who are you?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: (Look at and point to Amir) Thank you so much for asking that. You guys know Bear Grylls?
JAKE and AMIR: Yeah.
MOUNTAIN HIKER: (to Jake) Yeah, well, I'm Stanley.
JAKE: Is that related? Who- Stanley Grylls?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: (to Amir) Who the fuck is Stanley Grylls? Who's this guy?
AMIR: What?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: (to Amir) Who's this jack-a-lope you bring along?
(Amir laughs)
JAKE: The way you s- The way you said it made it sound like you-
MOUNTAIN HIKER: I can help you guys outta here.
JAKE: Out of the net?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: No no no. A baby could get out of that net.
AMIR: (Like a baby) WAH!
JAKE: Relax. What are you even doing here?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: I'm happy you asked that. I am hunting the most dangerous game of all.
JAKE: (Overlapping) Cows?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: (Overlapping) Cows.
JAKE: Why do you think cows are dangerous?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Think about it, man. Overweighted-ness, diabetes, heart failure, um...choking on stuff.
JAKE: You're saying they're all caused by beef?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: (to Amir) What the fuck is beef? Who is this guy?!
AMIR: He's-
JAKE: What do you- You don't know what beef is?
AMIR: He's kidding.
JAKE: I'm not kidding.
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Well are you kidding?
JAKE: No. I'm not kidding.
MOUNTAIN HIKER: (to Amir) Surely, he's kidding.
AMIR: (Overlapping) He's kidding.
JAKE: (Overlapping) I'm not kidding.
MOUNTAIN HIKER: (to Amir) Thank grood-ness.
JAKE: Why do you think that cows are the number 1 killer in all the world? What about, car accidents?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Uh, half the cars in the United States and Milwaukee are all driven by bovines.
JAKE: Milwaukee is in the United States and no, that's not true. Where did you get that information?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Saw it in a documentary. (point to Amir) You should see it. It's called The Far Side by Gary Larson.
AMIR: Is it on Netflix?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Uh, I think it's on Netflix In-staunt.
JAKE: Okay, not how you pronounce it. That's a cartoon.
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Uh, a cartoon based on facts.
JAKE: A cartoon based on jokes.
MOUNTAIN HIKER: A cartoon based on jokey facts.
(Amir and Mountain Hiker start to laugh and start at each other while they continue to laugh)
JAKE: Just-just jokes. Just don't laugh like that. Oh God. What are you guys doing? Just making each other laugh like this? Why? (to Amir) Are you flirting right now? Is this how you flirt with each other?
(Mountain Hiker punches Jake in the face)
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Hold back, hold back, hold back.
(Amir backs away)
JAKE: OW!
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Moo moo.
JAKE: No!
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Oh! You're not a cow.
JAKE: Why did you think I was a cow?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Ugh, the way you were using your cow-y fingers I was almost certain of it that time.
JAKE: Fingers? Cows have hooves.
MOUNTAIN HIKER: (Laughs) Cows has hooves! (To a tree) You hear that, Tree? Cows has hooves. (Laughs) Next thing you're going to tell me is that top hats don't have tops. (Laughs)
JAKE: Draw a cow!
MOUNTAIN HIKER: I can't draw a cow. There's not enough time.
JAKE: It'll take you 2 seconds.
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Okay, stop. You could give me 2 months straight and all I have to do is draw a cow, and even then, I couldn't draw a fucking cow.
JAKE: That is so sad.
MOUNTAIN HIKER: We can talk about cows until they come home, but the fact of the matter remains your friend is missing and we must find him
JAKE: First of all, he's not my friend. Second of all, he's not missing. He's right-
(Amir is gone)
JAKE: Where is he?
MOUNTAIN HIKER: The hunt is on. Do you have your safari hat?
JAKE: No.
MOUNTAIN HIKER: Good. (whisper) You're gonna need it.
JAKE: I said I didn't have one so it's not good, right?
(Mountain Hiker tries to figure out the direction of the wind and rubs his finger on Jake's chest)
JAKE: Oh! So wet! Why did you do that?
THE END