INTRO:
Amir: You're watching Jake and Amir, and now you're not.
Jake: They still are.
Amir: Fuuudge.
(Jake is sleeping in a hotel room bed, Amir is sitting next to him with a cup of tea)
Amir: makes strange face, mumbles quietly, blows on Jakes face, clinks teacup with saucer trying to wake Jake up
Amir: (Loudly) Our Los Angeles itinerary is as follows:
Jake: What time is it?
Amir: (Singing) 6 a.m, day after Christmas, I put mumbles
Jake: Why did you...
Amir: (Singing loudly) She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly!
Jake: Stop singing...
Amir: (Still singing) Off the brick and...
Jake: Stop singing that song!
Amir: It's about a fun vacation!
Jake: It's not about a fun vacation, it's about a... Why did you get me up this early?
Amir: When I tell you the reason? Yeah you're gonna feel like a goose. Okay, so I urge you to back down now.
Jake: Just tell me.
Amir: I made you tea. It's too late, I said it, you're a jerk.
Jake: No, I don't think that was nice, it wasn't nice of you to make tea this early and then wake me up.
Amir: (Laughs in a somewhat surprised way) I didn't want it to get cold!
Jake: Bad logic. Bad logic, right? Make the tea later.
Amir: I knew you were gonna say that.
Jake: If you knew I was gonna say that then why did you do it?
Amir: Because I didn't know until you said it, and then right as you said it I knew!
Jake: Okay then you didn't know! So don't...
Amir: (Punches Jake twice) Tit punch!
Jake: Dude, why did you do that?
Amir: Ya get one tit punch!
Jake: That was two.
Amir: A bonus tit punch for counting the tit punches... Like a tit.
Jake: Just tell me what the itinerary is...
Amir: (Reading from a paper) 6 a.m: Wake up, receive a tit punch.
Jake: Great. Done. Next.
Amir: 6:15: Triple S, shower, shave, shit.
Jake: Bad order.
Amir: At the same time.
Jake: Jesus Christ.
Amir: 7:30: Tour the canyon, there's a beautiful spot in the middle where you can see the Colorado river for miles. (Jake looks confused) 8 a.m: Rent donkeys, hire a local jackass, pun intended, to help us navigate...
Jake: Okay stop it, do you think we're at the Grand Canyon?
Amir: (Hesitates, folds the paper) No.
Jake: (Grabs paper) A lot of this stuff is canyon related.
Amir: (Dismissively) Name twelve. And make sure that they're about the Grand Canyon specifically, not just about any canyon.
Jake: Great. Easy. 9 a.m: Get a view of the canyon, she is grand, and she is canyon.
Amir: I am a shame.
Jake: 10 a.m: Get matching Grand Canyon tattoos. They should read This friendship is as grand as the canyon. Arizona.
Amir: No.
Jake: Yeah. 11 a.m. just says Arizona eight times in a row.
Amir: This is a public shaming of me.
Jake: No it's... We're in a... No it's not.
Amir: This is so messed up. I made like an amazing jackass-donkey pun earlier, and we're just glossing over it.
Jake: The stuff that's not canyon related is just straight up mean.
Amir: (Whiny) It's poking fun at society! Yeah okay, who are we if we can't laugh at ourselves?
Jake: (Talking as Amir is whining) Oh my god, stop with the voice.
Amir: You know not everyone has these rose colored sunglasses that you do!
Jake: 1 p.m: Break all the baby food at the supermarket so the babies have no food?
Amir: Occupy Baby Street.
Jake: 2 p.m. says French kiss a French bulldog. Why do you wanna do that?
Amir: That's not me, that's you! Unless you wanna get...
Jake: Tit punched, right, I...
Amir: Tit punched! (Punches Jake again, spills tea on him)
Jake: Oh my god, it's boiling!
Amir: Ah, I didn't want it to get cold!