INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: That's it, huh. No "Hi"?
JAKE: I said "Hey..."
AMIR: You said "hey" not "hi!"
JAKE: Are you upset that I didn't buy any cookies?
AMIR: Whatever, right? Whatever. Isn't that what you said?
JAKE: Because I'm upset that you showed up to work four hours late and you're wearing a skirt and you're trying to act like it's normal.
AMIR: I'm a Brownie, okay, you can either deal with it or not.
JAKE: I guess not.
AMIR: Deal with it.
JAKE: So I don't have that second option.
AMIR: Options are for closers, alright. I gotta move a hundred and fifty boxes of Thin Mints and it tastes like chocolate-covered toothpaste, but a Brownie's gotta do what a Brownie's gotta do. And guess what? This Brownie? She's gotta do.
JAKE: Nice.
AMIR: Do you mean that?
JAKE: No.
AMIR: Thank you.
JAKE: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that you're definitely not a Brownie, because I think if you tried to sign up they would arrest you for being a pedophile.
AMIR: Read the sash.
JAKE: You're not wearing a sash.
AMIR: I have more patches than a frickin' rodeo, man.
JAKE: Do they have patches there?
AMIR: I don't know, probably!
JAKE: Right, there's your badge for not giving a shit.
[Amir points to badge confidently]
JAKE: Doesn't sound official.
AMIR: I officially don't care.
JAKE: That pin says "Most Bitchly!"
AMIR: Yeah! Yeah, it does, okay? But it's a reminder for me to not be such a bitchly! I'm a little ashamed about it but I keep it on!
JAKE: Listen to your voice.
AMIR: What?
JAKE: Don't let it get to that octave.
AMIR: No, I'm keeping it-
JAKE: [voice gradually getting higher] Don't let it get up here!
AMIR: To me, I'm like, always here, but every once in a while you just say "Oh, stop with that voice."
JAKE: You get really excited and start talking really fast like-
AMIR: [in a high voice] No that's not even-
JAKE: Yeah, yeah yeah.
AMIR: Okay, yeah.
JAKE: You just did it.
AMIR: I'm starting to hear it a little bit.
JAKE: What's the game plan here? Sell the cookies, raise money for like-
AMIR: Here's a tip. Every five year old in my chapter? Yeah. Their dads are [stutters] dwwiltfs.
JAKE: ...What?
AMIR: Dads whose wife I'd like to fuck.
JAKE: [shakes head] You're a bad guy.
AMIR: [messily applies red lipstick to his face] Why so serious?
[Jake stares in confusion, Amir looks down and caps lipstick]
AMIR: Dammit. Shit. Uhh, yeah. I went for it, didn't get it. That's... that's gonna happen. Dane Cook even tells jokes that sometimes don't get laughs. That doesn't mean shit. That feeling never gets old...
[Jake gets out his phone]
AMIR: Don't take a picture. Don't tweet it. This lipstick was expensive as shit, too. It wasn't... yeah. This feeling sucks. It was like a total, total gut-check. Maybe it's like the beret thing. It takes... It's too far away from The Joker that... girl scout outfit. What?
JAKE: I didn't say anything.
AMIR: Maybe you didn't hear. I'm gonna give it one more shot. 3, 2, 1... WHY SO SE-
JAKE: I heard it!
AMIR: Okay!