Jake: You're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: You're ugly to me never.
Jake: Oh my god, you don't have to talk.
Amir: Why do they call it a soup kitchen? It's not a soup and it's not a kitchen.
Jake: It is a kitchen.
Amir: It's not a soup, though!
Jake: Okay, okay. Don't yell at them. Hey, did you wash your hands? That's the one thing they asked us to do.
Amir: Trust me, we're good.
Jake: I don't trust you. Did you wash your hands?
Amir: Believe you me--
Jake: I don't.
Amir: I didn't either.
Jake: Well, I did. I'm saying I don't believe you.
Amir: I did too.
Jake: Let me serve the soup. Let me serve--
Amir: Heyyy. You know I feel like soup is just a bowl full of ingredients mixed up, blended right, and served to order.
Jake: Yeah, look, there's a long line of people here.
Amir: Yeah, they can wait.
Jake: They shouldn't have to.
Amir: What?
Jake: They shouldn't have to.
Amir: Huh?
Jake: They should have--
Amir: What?
Jake: Hey, can I see your hands?
Amir: What have I touched in the last week that's considered unhygienic?
Jake: You haven't washed your hands in a week?
Amir: I'm low-balling it!
Jake: You shouldn't be. Don't serve soup anymore! Okay? Hey, his hands are really dirty, bud. Don't put out the tip jar!
Amir: Okay, I'm trying to score some extra cash on the side! You think I'm just doing this for the pussy?
Jake: Oh my god. You wrote T-I-P-E-J-R-E. Tipejre.
Amir: Oh come.
Jake: Ohhh.
Amir: No soup for you! Ahaha. I'm just kidding, though. Keep walking.
Jake: Okay, so you're not kidding. You're not giving him soup!
Amir: It's a joke! It's from Jerry Seinfeld. Hey, follow me on Twitter.
Jake: Oh, come on.
Amir: What? At me!
Jake: You showed up outside the soup kitchen this morning completely high. You were handing out water bottles filled with Vodka to people, saying one free bottle of godwater to anybody who goes home right now and skips dinner. You know you got twelve people to leave.
Amir: I feel like this is a public shaming of me.
Jake: It is. You know what, it is. Be ashamed of yourself.
Amir: If it makes you feel any better, I washed my hands in the soup.
Jake: Doesn't. That makes me feel worse.
Amir: Right in the frickin fresh batch of split pea. How's that for a shit me? I served this country too, man! I served it soup! Huh? You wanna see my ID? It says Not Welcome!
Jake: This soup is freezing cold, man. You had one job was to put it on the burner.
Amir: You sound like such a tool when you say stuff like burner, man.
Jake: What are you talk--
Amir: Nobody talks like that! Okay, now we have to clean up, too? How is this fair?
Jake: Because you dumped soup everywhere.
Amir: Oh my god. Mr. Comeback's got an answer to all my quick little jokes, don't you?
Jake: Fine, you go home. I'll clean.
Amir: Nononono. Okay? I wanna hang out. I just don't wanna be helpful at all. Jesus. Tis the season, right?