INTRO
JAKE: You're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: Stop telling them what to do!
JAKE: I didn't.
(Secret Santa gift opening is taking place)
ROSIE: (Unwraps a new motorcycle helmet) Whoa, this is perfect for my new hog.
(Office staff applauds minus Amir who is shaking his head)
AMIR: Nah. Stop!
(Office staff stops applauding)
AMIR: Bad gift! Given by a bad man!
JENNY: I gave it.
AMIR: A bad woman than. A wolf in cheap clothing. (Pulls at Jenny's shirt)
JENNY: Hey!
JAKE: Hey, hey, don't touch her alright? (Whispers to Jenny) Sorry.
JENNY: (Whispers back to Jake.) Thanks
EMILY: (Pushes through staff) Okay, me next! (Unwraps gift) It's a picture of Murph and he looks really good.
(Murph's picture is shown then cuts over to Murph making the same face in the picture)
(Staff applauds)
AMIR: Boo!
(Applause stops)
AMIR: She already has that!
EMILY: No, I don't.
AMIR: You do now! She has it now! How can you argue against that?
JAKE: Nobod—
AMIR: She has it now!
JAKE: Nobody's arguing that, alright, but can I ask you a question? You know, everybody else looks normal here, what are you wearing?
(Zooms out to reveal Amir is wearing a pink onsie.)
AMIR: (Shrugs) Jeans.
JAKE: They're clearly not jeans. It's some pink onsie.
(Amir turns around to reveal a poop stain on the rear of the onsie)
JAKE: And you shit yourself!
AMIR: I got excited.
JAKE: Not a good reason. That's a bad reason to shit in your pants. And like, you scotch taped mistletoe above your...
AMIR: Yeah, my D, 'cause I'm tryna get it kissed.
(Jake shakes his head)
AMIR: What?
JAKE: You have fresh shit in your onsie and you're trying to get your dick sucked?
AMIR: It's called a blumpkin, alright? I already pooped myself so the blowy's in root.
JAKE: You're horrible.
AMIR: What about you? You should put some mistletoe on that cameltoe, huh? Make the girls scream ho, ho, NOOO!
JAKE: Just go open your gift, you fucking sociopath.
(Amir unwraps a clipboard)
AMIR: Whoa! It's a petition signed by everyone in the office that says We want you out of our lives.
(Office staff applauds)
AMIR: Thank-you, thank- you!
JAKE: Stop it. That's—It's not a nice gift.
OFFICE STAFF: (Chanting) Amir Sucks!
(Amir starts dancing)
(A noose is thrown a Amir)
AMIR: Whoa, a lasso! Kinky!
JAKE: Okay, you know what? Stop it, you guys.
(Chanting stops)
JAKE: I'm disappointed in all of you guys.
AMIR: (Waves noose around) Giggity gigitty.
JAKE: Stop it, they want you to kill yourself.
AMIR: And giggity goo. (Pulls noose over head)
JAKE: Look, you guys, I know Amir isn't the easiest person to work with, okay? I know more than anybody. But it's a holiday season, a season of second chances. right? So why don't you say we put aside our differences for 12 hours, we go downstairs, we have the best holiday party this company has ever—OH!
(Jake runs to Amir's rescue as Amir chokes and is being lifted up by his coworkers with the noose around his neck)
AMIR: JAKE!
MURPH: Let's drop him on 3! On 3! 1, 2—
JAKE: NO, NO!
THE END
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWGTvFmrx3w