INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Ami-- urp.
JAKE: You just threw up!
AMIR: I hiccuped food.
[The CH staff are gathered for a meeting.]
PAUL: So, there's something really important we need to talk about now. There is... a disgusting smell coming from that side of the office, and we're starting to get bugs; we're starting to get rats...
[Amir glances at Jake. Jake chooses to ignore him.]
PAUL: ...the facility says they're gonna start charging us extra... I know a lot of people eat over there. We've got all kinds of people eating food over there, and it's-- it's really, really foul, and...
[Amir texts Jake, then amends his text after the fact.]
[AMIR: BOOOO-RIIINNNGGGG]
[AMIR: !!!!!!]
PAUL: ...clearly, something's gotta be done about this. So... I-- you know, I just want to make sure... everybody's using good hygiene;
[JAKE: This whole meeting is about you. YOU are the stench he's talking about.]
[Amir scoffs silently.]
PAUL: Is everybody showering every day? Is everybody brushing their teeth? Is everybody... occasionally wearing deodorant, maybe?
[AMIR: ======))~~~~~]
[AMIR: ======= )~~~~~]
[AMIR: (That's a dick.)]
[AMIR: LOOK at ME]
[AMIR: LOOOK AT MEEEE!!!!!]
PAUL:I mean, I think that would probably be a good idea...
[Jake gives in and looks at Amir. Amir makes a goofy face with his tongue sticking out, and farts as he makes it.]
PAUL: ...um, so it's really not clear to me why we can't act like adults, because... this is a professional place of business, we have a lot of visitors who come in...
[JAKE: You just farted.]
[AMIR: I made a face :)]
[AMIR: :)]
PAUL: ...and, a lot of them are repelled--
[JAKE: I saw your face. You also farted. People noticed.]
PAUL: Uh, Jake. Could you put that phone away, please? Thank you.
[Jake tucks his phone away. Amir smirks.]
PAUL: We actually had... an ad sales client in here last week...
[Amir immediately begins texting Jake again.]
PAUL: ...who was saying that they would love to spend four million dollars with us, but they couldn't, because... they were actually vomiting in the bathroom because the smell was so bad.
[AMIR: This relationship isn't working out. Congrats.]
[AMIR: Congrats. You just ruined this. Look at me. Because its over.]
[AMIR: Text me back or I'm gonna call you out for being a bitch.]
[Jake ignores Amir's texts.]
AMIR: Jake's a bitch.
[The room goes silent.]
MURPH: Ha!
[Jenny turns to look at Murph.]
MURPH: [whispering] He's a bitch.
PAUL: So, we're really trying to figure out... how we can make this better...
[JAKE: Please stop texting me.]
[AMIR: Congrats. You just made a fool of me.]
...because... we can't continue to do this. It's-- it's a professional place of business, the whole side of the office is just-- just horrendous...
[JAKE: Wow stop saying congrats.]
PAUL ...this... horrible, horrible stench that's coming from over there, and, so... y'know-- I don't know if somebody's over there... going to the bathroom, and... not taking care of things properly...
[Amir points the camera of his phone into his pants, takes a picture of his penis, and texts it to Jake twice.]
[AMIR: That is for you to suck on.]
[JAKE: Sent that twice]
[AMIR: Suck on it.]
PAUL: ...or... if there's... some other problem that we need to address, but, clearly this is something that can't continue--
[JAKE: And I'm reporting you to hr now. For real]
PAUL: Jake. I'm not going to ask you again.
[Jake puts the phone down.]
PAUL: Thank you. ...So as I was saying...
[Amir begins texting Jake again.]
PAUL: ...um, I want whoever it is to, kind of, look himself or herself in the eye, make sure that... you're really thinking about your co-workers.
[AMIR: SPANKED!!!!!!!!!!!!]
[JAKE: Stop dude]
[AMIR: Epic SPANK!!!!!]
PAUL: Because...It's very selfish. It's very unfair, to... create this kind of work environment.
[JAKE: This is harassment]
[AMIR: YOU GOT SPANKED]
[Amir takes another picture of his penis, and sends it to Jake.]
PAUL: I mean, the smell is so bad, it's-- it's just... unconsciona--
[AMIR: That is my dicks sorry face. As in SORRY you got SPANKED!!!!!]
PAUL: Jake... leave.
JAKE: I wasn't texting...
AMIR: Get out, bitch.
[Jake gets up to leave.]
PAUL: Oh, and Jake?
JAKE: Yeah.
PAUL: Thanks.
JAKE: For what?
PAUL: Bein' a bitch. Jake's a bitch!
[Paul begins a room-wide chant.]
ALL: Jake's a bitch! Jake's a bitch! Jake's a bitch! Jake's a bitch! Jake's a bitch! Jake's a bitch! Jake's a bitch! Jake's a bitch!
[Jake leaves.]
MURPH: Get out, bitch!
[The room falls silent, and people stare at Murph.]
MURPH: He's a bitch!
END