INTRO
Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, ya dopehead! (laughs)
Jake: Why is that funny?
Amir: I don't know.
Amir: You don't even care that today's my half birthday.
Jake: I don't think it is.
Amir: So I was right!
Cheryl: Special delivery from accounting.
Amir: I didn't ask for anything.
Cheryl: Yeah, you asked for a receipt, are you sure?
Amir: Aaah, no!
Cheryl: Yes!
Amir: He didn't!
Cheryl: He did!
Cheryl and Amir: (screams)
Amir: Oh my god, let me see that rock, girl! Damn! Did you win the Super Bowl or get engaged!
Cheryl: Four carats! Todd's a lawyer, so...
Jake: Alright, who's Todd?
Amir: Ok, ok, aaah! Tell me everything!
Cheryl: Ok, ok. So you know how him mom, like, hates me?
Amir: Mhm.
Cheryl: Ok, so as a big fuck you to her, her dad is like really sick...
Amir: (laughs) Yeah.
Cheryl: I know, so lame. So I show up at the house..
Jake (interrupting): Hey dude, you gonna apologize to me for the cork?
Cheryl: Jake, you pussy?
Amir: Cheryl's getting married.
Cheryl: I'm getting married.
Jake: Alright, you guys can't drink in the office. Also, who are you?
Amir: Cheryl is one of my oldest friends.
Jake: Fine.
Amir: Don't worry, we're still besties.
Jake: I don't care.
Amir: You fucking prick.
Jake: Don't do this. Come on.
Cheryl: Be strong, Amir.
Amir: Yeah I'm trying to, but you treat me like such shit sometimes.
Jake: Come on, don't be a pussy.
Cheryl: Hey! Don't say that word in front of me.
Jake: You just called me a pussy.
Cheryl: Don't say that around me, that's messed up.
Jake: What are you talking about?
Cheryl: You are lucky that my best friend in the world has a mancrush on you. Otherwise, I'd stab you in the face. I wouldn't think anything of it.
Jake: Your best friend in the whole world? I've known Amir for 5 years, and I've just heard of you.
Cheryl: Yeah, we met yesterday.
Jake: You said you were his oldest friend.
Cheryl: I'm 50. Thank you for saying I look fantastic.
Jake: I didn't say it, but you do.
Amir: I want you out of my life.
Jake: None of that stuff is mine.
Cheryl: Take the stuff, pussy.
Amir: Pussy, take the stuff please, pussy, because I'm really starting to get sad now, pussy.
Jake: Now you guys are both saying pussy.
Cheryl: AY AY AY AY AY!