INTRO
JAKE: You're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: Make videos.
JAKE: That's implied.
AMIR: Is it?
(Jake and Amir are in back seat of car)
AMIR: Uh, one day, we're gonna-
JAKE: You know what, don't. Okay, 'cause I'm still mad at you.
AMIR: One day we're gonna look back and laugh about this is all I was gonna say.
JAKE: You crashed my Thanksgiving dinner. You showed up at my house, drunk and high.
AMIR: Ooh, let's play the license plate game.
JAKE: You peed in my living room. You walked in while everybody was watching football. You were higher than I've ever seen anybody in my entire life. You said time to drain the main hose and then you peed on my couch.
AMIR: I see one from New York.
JAKE: We're in New York.
AMIR: (to driver) Hey, buddy, can we speed up a little? Okay, we aint gettin' any younger back here.
JAKE: My uncle was really nice to offer us a ride.
AMIR: Yeah, and I'm really nice not to be (raising voice) screaming about how slow we're going!
JAKE: You're screaming now.
AMIR: I am, (simultaneously, in high-pitched whine) now I'm screaming. I'm screaming now because I'm upset! That doesn't mean that I'm screaming. Yeah, I'm only trying to scream because you're getting me pissed!
JAKE: (simultaneously) You were just screaming. Now you're screaming. Oh my God, now you're doing that high-pitched squealing, oh my God!
AMIR: (holding Mad Libs) Okay, let's just play Mad Libs. Or as I call them, Happy Libs 'cause they make me (simultaneously) cum.
JAKE: (simultaneously) Happy.
AMIR: (short pause) Happy!
AMIR: Alright, I need a number.
JAKE: Eight.
AMIR: Ooh. You should've said 69, it would've been a lot funnier.
JAKE: Am I playing or are you?
AMIR: You, you, you, you, you! I'm gonna write 69 for now though
AMIR: I spy with my little eyes something beige.
JAKE: You told my aunt that her yams were dry.
AMIR: Yeah, they were.
JAKE: And you were grabbing both of her breasts while you said it.
AMIR: As a joke!
(Jake and Amir are sleeping, Amir's head on Jake's shoulder Amir wakes up, screams beginning chant of Circle of Life)
JAKE: (waking up) Oh my God, why did you do that?
AMIR: (to driver) Whoa, look out, tire!
(screeching and honking)
JAKE: Jesus, dude!
AMIR: (laughs) Oldest trick in the book.
AMIR: (singing) Ya take one down and pass it around.
JAKE: My grandfather needs that oxygen tank to survive. You went up to him during dessert and said hey Scuba Steve let me take that tank for a test swim. You ripped all the tubes out of his nose, stuck them up your butt, and farted. How do you live with yourself?
AMIR: Think I'm gonna take a cat-nap.
JAKE: Fine.
AMIR: (resting head on Jake's shoulder) Meow!
(Jake grimaces, Amir scowls like a cat)
(Amir is holding phone)
JAKE: Wow, mean text from your dad.
AMIR: (snorts) I know, right?
JAKE: Sorry to miss you at Thanksgiving, not.
AMIR: It's how he jokes, look at this.
JAKE: It's a picture of him burning your childhood room.
AMIR: Yeah, I know.
JAKE: That's mean.
AMIR: He's a meanie. (to phone) You're mean!
(Amir is holding Mad Libs)
AMIR: (reading) Plane talk: A one-act 69 to be voluntarily performed by two 69s. Haha, I made that one up.
JAKE: I know.
AMIR: I once failed a driving test, a blood test, and a personality test at the same frickin time.
JAKE: How do you fail a personality test? They just tell you what kind of personality you have.
AMIR: I failed for eating a fat cock-meat sandwich right during the session.
JAKE: Okay, got it.
AMIR: Also, I stabbed the therapist in the eye with a tack! And I'd do the same to you!
JAKE: Whoa!
(Jake is holding Amir's phone)
JAKE: Oh, boy.
AMIR: What?
JAKE: Right here you ask your dad for his address and he just straight-up says no.
AMIR: Yeah, pfft.
JAKE: You said please and he doesn't respond for four full days. He finally says 554 go fuck yourself lane, Topeka Kansas in the good ole U.S of gay. He attached a picture of your entire family, without you, eating a turkey dinner.
AMIR: That's funny.
JAKE: You know what, man? I'm happy you came back with me for Thanksgiving.
AMIR: Me too.
(pause, Amir meows and rests his head on Jake's shoulder again)
THE END