INTRO AMIR- You're watching you and me, together
JAKE- I'm going to get out of the booth
AMIR- Why?! What did I say?
(Jake and Amir in the conference room)
JAKE- Alright dude, I appreciate you being here-
AMIR- And you're welcome
JAKE- Ok, let me finish, but-
AMIR- Happy to be here
JAKE- I know you are, I'm not happy you're here. You can't audition people for scripts that you didn't write
AMIR- Don't worry about it, ok- namaste!
JAKE- I'm worried about- don't say namaste, okay, get out of here before some-
AMIR- It's fine!
JAKE- It's not fine!
(Doobs knocks on the door)
JAKE- Awesome. Alright, come in.
JAKE (to Amir)- You stay for one audition, then you have to go
(Doobs enters, Jake sighs)
DOOBS- It is I!
AMIR- What are you doing here, Doobs?
DOOBS- You can't call me by that peasant name anymore, Ashmir!
AMIR- No...
DOOBS- Yes! You see, I have illegally...for the record...without warning...changed my name- to Penis Anthony
HUDSON!
(Jake holds up Doobs' headshot)
JAKE- Your headshot just says Penis Hudson
DOOBS- I'm sorry?
JAKE- Your headshot just says Penis Hudson
DOOBS- What?
JAKE- It says Penis Hudson, you lost Anthony
DOOBS- Hm?
AMIR- Alright, let's just see what you've got, Huds!
DOOBS- Oohoohooh! Sly as a fox...
JAKE- No, he's not, here's the script for the audition
(Jake hands Doobs the script)
DOOBS- Don't need it
JAKE- You do
DOOBS- No, I don't
AMIR- Alright, it's sink or swim time, let's see what you've got, Huddy!
DOOBS- Ooohoohoohooho!
JAKE- A second ago, you called him Huds
DOOBS- Ah, but they both kill me. Just like his father tried to do to me with his, tiny skinny legs
JAKE- Just do the audition, man
DOOBS- Gladly
(Doobs impersonating)
(Sprawled against the wall, then acting like a monkey)
DOOBS- The beginning of time
(Behind a tree, while shaking it, then scooting on the floor)
(Changes character)
DOOBS- I was tired, man
(Changes character)
DOOBS- Ooh, King Pruden. Tis I, Lysthmus
(Changes character, Italian accent)
DOOBS- You wanna mess with my guys? Well, my guys are the toughest! Take Ricky over here
(Changes character)
DOOBS- Because I loved her! I killed her because I loved her!
(Changes character)
DOOBS- Hey guys, I'm Ricky
(Changes character, dancing)
DOOBS- Must come down! What is up is gonna come down!
(Changes character)
DOOBS- It's gon be 'dem whose running now
Brief intermission
(Changes character)
DOOBS- Runnin' from duh white man!
(Changes character)
DOOBS- You get on that bed, you get on that bed and I'mma comin' in a minute, I'mma make love to you tonight
Much later
(Amir applauding)
JAKE- Great, is he finished?
(Amir fail whistle)
JAKE- Penis, you didn't get the part
DOOBS- Thank you
AMIR- But, you had the guts to go off-book, off-script, so, you got the part!
DOOBS- Thank you!
JAKE- No, he didn't, you auditioned for, yeah, 3 hours
DOOBS- Thank you
JAKE- Okay, not a compliment, we gave the part to someone else, we shot it, it's already on the web
DOOBS- Be honest with me and I want you to be honest with me, was I at least seriously considered for the part?
Simultaneously
(JAKE- You weren't
AMIR- You were)
DOOBS- Ahhahahaha! Thank you! Thank you!
(Amir and Doobs grab onto a bouquet of flowers and jump together)
DOOBS- Thank you! Thank you!
Simultaneously
(DOOBS and AMIR- Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!)
(Jake shakes head)
NTRO AMIR- You're watching you and me, together
JAKE- I'm going to get out of the booth
AMIR- Why?! What did I say?
(Jake and Amir in the conference room)
JAKE- Alright dude, I appreciate you being here-
AMIR- And you're welcome
JAKE- Ok, let me finish, but-
AMIR- Happy to be here
JAKE- I know you are, I'm not happy you're here. You can't audition people for scripts that you didn't write
AMIR- Don't worry about it, ok- namaste!
JAKE- I'm worried about- don't say namaste, okay, get out of here before some-
AMIR- It's fine!
JAKE- It's not fine!
(Doobs knocks on the door)
JAKE- Awesome. Alright, come in.
JAKE (to Amir)- You stay for one audition, then you have to go
(Doobs enters, Jake sighs)
DOOBS- It is I!
AMIR- What are you doing here, Doobs?
DOOBS- You can't call me by that peasant name anymore, Ashmir!
AMIR- No...
DOOBS- Yes! You see, I have illegally...for the record...without warning...changed my name- to Penis Anthony
HUDSON!
(Jake holds up Doobs' headshot)
JAKE- Your headshot just says Penis Hudson
DOOBS- I'm sorry?
JAKE- Your headshot just says Penis Hudson
DOOBS- What?
JAKE- It says Penis Hudson, you lost Anthony
DOOBS- Hm?
AMIR- Alright, let's just see what you've got, Huds!
DOOBS- Oohoohooh! Sly as a fox...
JAKE- No, he's not, here's the script for the audition
(Jake hands Doobs the script)
DOOBS- Don't need it
JAKE- You do
DOOBS- No, I don't
AMIR- Alright, it's sink or swim time, let's see what you've got, Huddy!
DOOBS- Ooohoohoohooho!
JAKE- A second ago, you called him Huds
DOOBS- Ah, but they both kill me. Just like his father tried to do to me with his, tiny skinny legs
JAKE- Just do the audition, man
DOOBS- Gladly
(Doobs impersonating)
(Sprawled against the wall, then acting like a monkey)
DOOBS- The beginning of time
(Behind a tree, while shaking it, then scooting on the floor)
(Changes character)
DOOBS- I was tired, man
(Changes character)
DOOBS- Ooh, King Pruden. Tis I, Lysthmus
(Changes character, Italian accent)
DOOBS- You wanna mess with my guys? Well, my guys are the toughest! Take Ricky over here
(Changes character)
DOOBS- Because I loved her! I killed her because I loved her!
(Changes character)
DOOBS- Hey guys, I'm Ricky
(Changes character, dancing)
DOOBS- Must come down! What is up is gonna come down!
(Changes character)
DOOBS- It's gon be 'dem whose running now
Brief intermission
(Changes character)
DOOBS- Runnin' from duh white man!
(Changes character)
DOOBS- You get on that bed, you get on that bed and I'mma comin' in a minute, I'mma make love to you tonight
Much later
(Amir applauding)
JAKE- Great, is he finished?
(Amir fail whistle)
JAKE- Penis, you didn't get the part
DOOBS- Thank you
AMIR- But, you had the guts to go off-book, off-script, so, you got the part!
DOOBS- Thank you!
JAKE- No, he didn't, you auditioned for, yeah, 3 hours
DOOBS- Thank you
JAKE- Okay, not a compliment, we gave the part to someone else, we shot it, it's already on the web
DOOBS- Be honest with me and I want you to be honest with me, was I at least seriously considered for the part?
Simultaneously
(JAKE- You weren't
AMIR- You were)
DOOBS- Ahhahahaha! Thank you! Thank you!
(Amir and Doobs grab onto a bouquet of flowers and jump together)
DOOBS- Thank you! Thank you!
Simultaneously
(DOOBS and AMIR- Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!)
(Jake shakes head)