INTRO Amir - Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Catch Harold and Kumar 3D --
Jake - Oh, come on.
Amir - --in theaters everywhere this Friday. What?
(Amir and Jake are inside a coffee shop about to approach the counter)
AMIR: It says employees must wash hands, OK? Employees. Last time I checked, I don't work here.
JAKE: Yeah, I'm just saying it's a common courtesy and it's like hygienic so you should really do it.
AMIR: (to barista) Hey, I will have two Jack and diets and what do you want?
JAKE: Nothing. You know, I'm going to go home--
AMIR: (gibberish over Jake) I'll have two Jack and diets, a vodka cran and what do you want?
JAKE: Chill out, OK?
BARISTA: We don't serve alcohol.
AMIR: What is this? Prohibition? OK, just give me a shot, you bitch.
JAKE: Hey! Hey, wow, really quick to start offending people, right? Sorry, especially because you didn't even ask for a shot to begin with.
AMIR: OK, get this. I walked in here with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in my face, OK? And you know I got sprung, so I wanted to pull up tight and--
JAKE: (to barista) Sorry.
AMIR: --I noticed that, what?
JAKE: I'm just going to have an iced coffee. Thank you.
BARISTA: Sure.
AMIR: By the way, the girl before us got two shots. Two. Don't think I didn't notice that.
JAKE: OK, she got two shots of espresso.
AMIR: OK. Whatever. I'll take it. Anything to take the edge off.
JAKE: That's definitely going to put the edge on. You know, what are you even stressed about?
AMIR: Taxes.
JAKE: Do you owe them?
AMIR: No, I just found out about them and it's kind of stressing me out. Do you guys know what's up? OK, Uncle Sam doesn't even put lube on before he fucks us--
BARISTA: So, you want two shots of espresso, one ice coffee. Do you want room?
JAKE: Yes, please.
AMIR: I'll take that too. Actually make mine a room with coke. It's got to be 9AM somewhere.
JAKE: Yeah, it's 9AM here.
AMIR: It's nickel beer night.
BARISTA: We don't serve beer.
AMIR: Will you be my girlfriend?
BARISTA: Sorry guys, I have other customers.
AMIR: OK, you know what? We can pay with cash, credit or break dancing.
BARISTA: We're cash only.
JAKE: He's going to break dance.
AMIR: (hopping about) Here we go. (throws himself on floor, change clattering everywhere, trying his best to 'break dance')
JAKE: (to barista, as Amir is still on the floor) Can I have your number?
AMIR: Oh. (popping up by Jake again, holding neck) Ahh, OK, hey. Cash is fine, unless you like that.
BARISTA: Cash is fine.
AMIR: (to Jake) Do you have five dollars?
THE END.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFYx5GTTElA