INTRO
JAKE: You're watching Jake and Amir.
AMIR: Now, let a real maestro try it.
JAKE: No.
AMIR: Okay.
(Jake's on the phone, alone).
JAKE: Alright, well, just-
(Amir walks in and sits down, wearing a penguin costume...yes, the penguin costume from the 4th of July episode)
AMIR: Costume number one.
(Jake puts down the phone)
JAKE: Jesus Christ, man. You've been missing for two days. You can't just show up and say costume number one.
AMIR: Pros: It's cute. I can pee in it.
JAKE: We thought you were dead.
(Amir's in denim and a cowboy hat)
AMIR: (like John Wayne) This one's pretty playful, partner, but I'm worried it's too masculine.
JAKE: I wouldn't worry about that.
(Amir's in the penguin costume)
JAKE: We called your parents, who said good riddance. I'm sorry that you had to hear that from me.
(Amir's wearing a rooster costume)
AMIR: Sure, this costume is a little corny...but I like it. (Amir does a weird laugh, like a cackle)
JAKE: Do you think you're in a corn costume?
(Amir's wearing an Indian headdress)
JAKE: Where were you man? For two days, you were just, you vanished.
(Amir's still in the rooster costume)
AMIR: Sorry, can you talk into my good ear. (Amir does the cackle laugh again)
JAKE: You're NOT in a corn costume.
(Amir takes off the rooster head covering)
AMIR: Okay, well, it's freaking dark in that closet, man. I can't see anything.
(Amir's in a fireman costume)
AMIR: I'm one cock-a-doodle-dude.
JAKE: You changed out of the rooster costume?
AMIR: What?!
(Amir takes off the fireman's helmet and looks at it)
AMIR: Oh, f**k me!
(Amir's in a sheet with holes in it. His glasses are over the sheet. The sheet's lopsided and the holes don't match his glasses/eyes)
AMIR: Boo!! Uh heh heh.
JAKE: Look in the mirror and tell me if you think you look scary.
(Amir looks to his left)
AMIR: AUGH! I'M GONNA DIE!!
(Amir's in a peapod costume)
AMIR: This one's a little corny...but I like it.
JAKE: Still no.
AMIR: What?? No! No!
JAKE: You're not corn, you're peas.
AMIR: Peas?? I'm peas!
(Amir's wearing scrubs)
AMIR: You've just been diagnosed with bein' a bitch.
JAKE: We've been planning your funeral for an hour.
(Amir's in a Count Chocula costume)
AMIR: Yeah, I might be a little corny -
JAKE: Don't do this, cuz you know you're the Count! You came in and said I vant to suck your chocolate.
AMIR: -but I like it.
(Amir's wearing a polka-dot dress)
JAKE: Bad costume.
AMIR: What costume? Okay, this is my shirt.
JAKE: That's a dress.
AMIR: Nooo, it's not.
JAKE: Stand up.
(Amir stands up)
AMIR: (sounding like he's proving Jake wrong) Ohhhh (suddenly realizes he's wearing a dress) Oh.
(Amir's in a Count Chocula costume)
(Amir's getting physical with Jake, as Jake tries to get away)
AMIR: Let me suck your chocolate!
JAKE: Stop...dude...you have to rela-
AMIR: You...don't tell me to freakin' relax.
(Jake punches Amir)
(Amir is in a corn costume)
JAKE: You know you finally have it, and you just blew it.
AMIR: What are you talking about?
JAKE: Look in the mirror. You're corn.
AMIR: Oh, no! I thought I was an ear of butter!