INTRO:
JAKE: Hey, you're watching J--
AMIR: Hey, guess what you're watching Jake and Ami--
JAKE: We agreed I was gonna go!
AMIR: Oh, yeyeyeah.
[Jake and Amir are sitting at their desks. Amir is drinking out of a Styrofoam cup. Jake is listening to his headphones.]
(Jake takes off his headphones, revealing that he is wearing stud earrings.)
JAKE: Woo!
AMIR: Holy shit you're wearing earrings.
JAKE: Holy shit you're a loser!
AMIR: Why did you do that?
JAKE: You not liking it validates it as a good idea!
AMIR: I didn't say I didn't like it. I just said why are you doing that.
JAKE: Two studs for the price of gun! BING! (flicks his ear) OW! F- Dammit, why would I flick it?!
AMIR: What happened?
JAKE: They're still tender as the night and twice as gay-- NOT gay, not gay,, get with it, Hurwitz. I'm like, repeating that shit the dude yelled at me on the bus this morning.
AMIR: Someone yelled at you on the bus this morning?
JAKE: Yelled at me, then like boxed my ears. Pretty much got a standing-O, forcing me off the bus. I was gonna walk home, but I was like fuck it, I'm afraid to be alone.
AMIR: You know they're actually kinda fly.
JAKE: If you think they're fly now, come meet me at the club in six weeks.
AMIR: Six weeks?
JAKE: Six weeks, that's when I get to upgrade the earrings. I'mma gauge this one out.. to five sixteenths, and on this one's gonna be a giant hoop all the way down to my fucking shoulder blade.
AMIR: Hold on a second, I'm trying to write down how to be cool, but you're talking too fast!
JAKE: Write this down, baby! Spiderweb tat on my elbow, spiderweb tat on my elbow, spider tat on my abdomen, bicep tat of my astro sign, Leo DiCaprio--
AMIR: Heh!
JAKE: --and guess what I'm doing with my lips? ......eatin a pussy.
AMIR: Eena.. pussy?
JAKE: (loudly and articulately) Eating a pussy!
(A female coworker looks over, disgusted.)
AMIR: That's a lot of changes, man.
JAKE: Not even including facial hair.
AMIR: Facial hair?
JAKE: A goatee on top of my thoat-ee makes the girls say ay, papi! Aheh! I made out with my cousin! At a club!
AMIR: Your cousin?
JAKE: Crimson.
AMIR: But you kissed your cousin though.
JAKE: The takeaway here is that I got into Crimson, on a Tuesday, the fourth hardest night to get into Crimson, not including the weekend.
AMIR: So the easiest night to get in, not including Monday--
JAKE: Monday, yeah, but listen I've been rejected on a Monday. Alright you ever give a bouncer a hundred dollar bill up just to see him tear it up right in front of your crying eyes?
AMIR: Being cool sounds hard, maybe I'm just not cut out for it.
JAKE: Trust fam, you ain't. Ok not a lot of people can handle the blinding pain, the crippling insecurity, the constant desire just to- you know what, fuck it! It's not worth it! It's not worth it! Help me get this off! (taking his earrings off)
AMIR: I thought they were cool!
JAKE: They are, ok! I'm just not ready for it!
(Murph and Pat run over to Jake's desk.)
MURPH: Aww, man!
JAKE: What?
PAT: We heard you got your ears pierced, so we came over to make fun of you.
JAKE: Too late, bitches! Unless you guys think it's cool...
PAT: We don't.
JAKE: Which is exactly why I didn't do it! Wow, that was hard!
AMIR: Ok, what do you guys know about being cool, I bet you've never even kissed your cousin at Crimson, huh? Tell 'em Jake!
PAT: You kissed your cousin at a club?--
JAKE: On a Tuesday! On a Tuesday!
END.
(FIRED AD)