Amir: You're watching Jake and Amir, (in bad witch voice) my pretties.
Jake: What is that?
Amir: I'm a witch!
Jake: Got it.
[Jake and Amir walk in and sit down at Jakes desk]
Jake: Alright, let me explain the economic crisis to you, so you don't embarrass yourself in another meeting.
Amir: Ok, I thought I handled myself with gravity and poise.
Jake: You took out a hundred dollar bill, lit it on fire, and then tried to light a cigar with it; you failed, you burned yourself pretty badly, and you burned Karen really badly.
Amir: Ok, she was loving it.
Jake: She was already upset because she lost half of her retirement fund in the last three months.
Amir: Yeah, that's what you get for investing in cock futures.
Jake: She didn't invest in cock futures, ok? nobody is inve.. What is a cock future?
So the government needed to raise the debt ceiling in order to pay back billions of dollars in foreign loans. (interrupted by Amir)
Amir: Woah woah slow down I wasn't listening.
Jake: Slow down or you weren't listening?
Amir: What's the difference?
Jake: Well one implies you were giving some effort but I was just talking too fast, the other one is just that you're being an asshole Interrupted by Amir
Amir: Woah woah slow down!
Jake: So it was the second one?
Amir: Second WHAT!
Jake: You then rolled up a hundred dollar bill, shoved it in Karens ear and lit the tip of it on fire, screaming Enjoy this ear candle you dumb bitch, it's half the price of a cock future and unlike you it's guaranteed to blow smoke up my ass.
Amir: Yeah, which got a huge laugh.
Jake: A lot of people tried to tackle you.
Amir: So why doesn't Obama just like cut a check and call it a day?
Jake: You think Obama would be the one to cut a check? Amir shrugs They needed more than a Trillion dollars.
Amir: Oh a trillion. Which is?
Jake: A thousand billion
Amir: Right. Which is?
Jake: A thousand million, which is a thousand thousand, which is a thousand dollars, which is how much four chicken nuggets cost.
Amir: Got it. (Amir attempts to throw a chicken nugget into his mouth but misses)
Jake: Where did you get that?
(Amir making a weird face while Jake talks) Security came to escort you out; you got down on your hands and knees and begged Karen for just one of her cock futures, you said: I'm sure my dad would be disappointed to see me grovelling, but the look in his eyes when I show him I'm the certified owned of a cock future, would surely erase 28 years of disapproval.
Amir: I'm a coward and a fool! .. I feel like the word staunch was co opted by the right, I mean like you can be a staunch Republican, but you can't be a staunch Democrat? like who made those rules — (Jake interrupts)
Jake: You can be a staunch Democrat — (Amir interrupts jake)
Amir: I don't interrupt you, ok, I don't interrupt your stand ups so don't interrupt mine, sorry but..
Jake: You do interrupt me a lot, not necessarily during my stand up — (Amir interrupts)
Amir: Name one time I interrupted you.
Jake: You're interrupting me right now —
Amir: Name one time!
Jake: It's happening right now — (AMIR interrupting: I defy YOU *), this is interruption!
Amir: I feel like we don't need money if everyone just decided to use..(Jake interrupts)
Jake: I know, Chucky Cheese tokens instead of money, right, you said that maybe too much during the meeting.
Amir: [Tickles Jake] Are you ticklish?
Jake: Yes, I'm very ticklish but your hands are so cold, and wet and clammy that I'm just grossed out..
You then pissed yourself, and you were dragged out of the meeting a second time, while you were screaming The audacity of NOPE, which sounds like some weird tea party slogan.
Amir: I'm a member.
Jake: [Amir tries tickling jake again] Yeah, like that feels like I'm being poked with cold crab claws.
Amir: [Holding up a 100$ bill and trying to burn it with a lighter while Jake tries to stop him] Alright come on, just let go man.
Jake: You did not learn your lesson yet. That'll be 300$ on the day!
Ok, then so even though the debt ceiling was raised, our credit rating dropped so the stocks tanked.
Amir: Yeah, that's why I keep my money in a freaking box, man.
Jake: That's not smart.
Amir: Yeah, well didn't you lose money this year?
Jake: Yes.
Amir: .. and in 2008?
Jake: Right i did but...
Amir: Well my box didn't depreciate in value, ok, I actually made more money investing in Nothing [laughs].
Jake: Fine, where's your box?
Amir: Here's a quiz.. I lost it.
Jake: So then from inside the meeting we heard you threaten to make your face red until you passed out, which I guess you did, because then nobody heard from you for 30 minutes.
Amir: Yeah, which felt like like a second on my end.
Jake: Right, because you had stopped breathing.
Amir: For like a second on my end.
Jake: Yes, on your end, but like for 30 minutes in real life.
[Amir tries to flick his fingers]
Jake: Booyakasha?
Amir: Borat, yeah. Ok, so how do you know so much?
Jake: Newspapers, alright, it's not hard to stay informed; you read an hour a day, New York Times, Wall Street Journal..
Amir: How do you actually know so much?
Jake: Daily show..(Amir: got it) I watch the Colbert Report.
Amir: Yeah.. Comedy shows.
The End
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