Intro
JAKE: You're watching Jake and, wow, your nose is bleeding a lot.
AMIR: OH, barely...
[titles]
AMIR: Hey bud, good news, bad news. Which one you want first?
JAKE: No news.
AMIR: Well no news is good news so we'll start with the bad. My dad is pissed at us, and this time, it is earned.
JAKE: What?
AMIR: OK, but the good news is he doesn't have a reason to be as pissed as he is.
JAKE: You said it was earned.
AMIR: He's steaming like hot shit on a plate of ice, but the good news is-
JAKE: You just said the good news.
AMIR: The good news is he don't matter, cause we don't care.
JAKE: I care.
AMIR: You should, because he's mostly pissed at you.
JAKE: I didn't do anything.
AMIR: Well, you were kind of a bitch to his mom in that letter you wrote that I wrote for you.
JAKE: I didn't write a letter!
AMIR: Tell that to my dad.
JAKE: I want to.
AMIR: I wouldn't, not right now atleast, he probably wouldn't even talk to you, because he's sorta paying out of pocket for that whole giraffe rental thing.
JAKE: I didn't rent a giraffe.
AMIR: Tell that to my dad, man.
JAKE: I wanna tell him everything!
AMIR: Sorry, but you gotta take a hit on that, ok?
JAKE: It sounds like i'm taking a hit on everything.
AMIR: Untrue! ok i'm taking a hit on the duck thing, the high school track fiasco thing, and the second duck thing.
JAKE: Take a hit on all the things!
AMIR: No way, because the orphanage thing, that wasn't even my idea.
JAKE: It wasn't mine!
AMIR: Well, it kinda stemmed from the first duck thing which, correct if i'm wrong you said you'd take the hit on.
JAKE: No, you are wrong, you said you were gonna take the hit on it.
AMIR: No, I said the second duck thing.
JAKE: You said both. You said the first duck thing, the high school track thing and the second duck thing.
AMIR: Listen man, we're in this together right now ok, our lives are like we're intertwined.
JAKE: Why am I getting a phone call?
AMIR: Is that from Venezuela?
JAKE: I don't think so, it's a local number.
AMIR: Yeah that's Venezuela. laughs He's a transvestite bouncer at bar we, let's just say we burned it down last night.
JAKE: What did we actually do?
AMIR: We burned it down last night.
JAKE: Awesome alright stop talking to me because I don't want to be implicated any more than I already am
CHICKEN MAN: speaks question in asian language holding a roast duck
AMIR: Ohhh, right.
JAKE: Lemme guess, the duck thing.
AMIR: Very wrong, the second duck thing.
JAKE: So not very wrong.
CHICKEN MAN: yelling at Jake in asian language for rest of video
JAKE: I- what
AMIR: OH woah woah woah ok-
JAKE: You're mad at him! You're mad at him, not me! Hey I didn't do anything!
AMIR: It's fine it's fine it's fine!
[END]