Amir: You must be a clock, 'cause you're watching, Jake and Amir! [Laughs] That made sense!
Jake: [Interjecting] Whoa, bad!
[Amir is sitting at his desk typing on his keyboard. Jake comes down and sits at his own desk]
Jake: [Sitting] Ohh, Whoa! Any idea why I went to the bathroom and I came back and have 31 emails?
Amir: 'Cause you had to take a shit? I mean, like, I'm not gonna keep track....
Jake: No, I mean any idea why I got all these emails? Each one is a Facebook notification!
Amir: No idea! But in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!
Jake: 31 comments, all made in the last two and a half minutes, on a picture of us that you uploaded.
Amir: Truman show....
Jake: Got it, do any of these sound familiar? [Reading] "Really thinking about making this my Facebook profile pic, somebody please please talk me into it."
Amir: Not gonna do it! [Laughs]
Jake: Sounds like you DO wanna do it, 'cause you respond to your own comment with, "Will somebody give me the confidence to make this my prof pic? Spiritually, I'm an ox [Amir mimes being an ox], I'm ready to make the move. Emotionally, I'm nowhere near where I need to be." [Amir shakes his head] Then you reply, again: I'm in tears [Amir mimes crying], I'm a baby in each one of your arms, let me suckle on your tit and drink that sweet sweet confidence juice." [Amir mimes suckling] None of those words, not a single one, was spelled correctly! [Amir mimes having milk run down his chin] You respond, AGAIN to your own comment, "You know what? Gotta trust your gut sometime, go fuck yourself society, [Amir puts up a middle finger] this picture is a huge middle finger pointed at each and every one of you, [Amir moves his hand around to give the finger to several imaginary people] and guess what? Don't worry 'cause that middle finger is up your ass and around the corner!" [Amir demonstrates this by moving his finger up and around the corner] Then society SHOULD worry....
[Amir is shown miming suckling again]
Jake: Then you comment, ONE more time, "Didn't have el huevos to pull the trigger, wow I am a weak ass nerd!"
Amir: Yeah, I AM a weak ass nerd.
Jake: HOW are you this insecure?
Amir: I just didn't wanna switch it up to something [shrugs] unpopular.
Jake: Right, 'cause your current picture of Calvin pissing on a picture of A-Rod kissing Cameron Diaz at the Super Bowl is really popular.
Amir: OK, yeah, it was at the time!
Jake: STOP talking in that NASALLY, GRATING voice!
[Amir is miming suckling again]
Jake: Alright, I feel myself getting angry and worked up, and my therapist says to not let this stuff affect me, so I'm just gonna unsubscribe from Facebook notifications, shut my eyes, and count to ten.... One....
Amir: Fortune favors the bold!
Jake: ....Two.... that is NOT a smart thing to say right now, but ha haa! I DON'T care! I'm smiling, my brain thinks I'm happy! I'm fine! Three four! Five...
Amir: Rest assured....
Jake: [Visibly agitated] .... Yeah! Usually people say something else after they say "rest assured," but I don't care! Not at all! Six! Seven, eight!
Amir: Nah.... they don't....
Jake: YES! THEY DO! OK, it's fine, it shouldn't DOESN'T bother me! Nine!
Amir: Glue.
Jake: GLUE! YEAH! TEN! Great! OK, THIRTY ONE MORE EMAILS!
Amir: I need the huevos, man! I'm sorry, but I still needed 'em! Check the pic!
Jake: First comment, from YOU: "Shitty profile change!"
Amir: I shouldn't have done it!