INTRO
AMIR: (southern accent) Welcome down to the Jake and Amir barbecue. Things are getting-
JAKE: Oh my God.
AMIR: (interrupting) What?
JAKE: I hate you!
EPISODE
AMIR: (sighs) My God, look at that! Look at it!
JAKE: What?
AMIR: That guy's being so reckless with his roller bag.
JAKE: He's standing next to it.
AMIR: He's not even keeping an eye on the roller. Like, ehe!
JAKE: Chill, why do you care?
AMIR: 'Cause I'm passionate about a lot of things, OK man, and suitcase theft aint one of 'em.
JAKE: So then you don't care.
AMIR: Usually not, but like, ahh, I really feel like I gotta teach that guy a lesson or something.
JAKE: Don't teach anybody a lesson, alright, you don't know reading.
AMIR: Well I know enough to spell suitcase, Ok and that guy's not treating his with any respect.
JAKE: Spell suitcase.
AMIR: Swy, U, I, D, K, A, A, Y, C, E!
JAKE: (As Amir is spelling) Wrong, wrong, you're wrong, you're so quickly wrong, you're wrong right off the bat don't fight me on it, Ok? Stop yelling.
AMIR: Ok, if I can jack that guy's suitcase will you admit that I'm right?
JAKE: About what, the spelling?
AMIR: About (brief pause) everything!
JAKE: Ok, no, because none of the letters were correct, and also, you know, he's not being that reckless with his suitcase 'cause he's standing pretty close to it, in a building, with security, surrounded by regular, employed adults.
AMIR: That cool cat thinks he can hot dog.
JAKE: Great, you've stopped listening to me.
AMIR: I'm about to go kangaroo jack his roller backpack. (chuckles)
JAKE: Bad joke-
AMIR: Shh!
JAKE: Alright.
(Amir gets up and runs, grabbing the suitcase)
AMIR: Sneak attack!
(Man immediately grabs it as well)
MAN: Hey!
AMIR: Hey, Ok, you just failed the reckless test, sir, that's right I could've jacked this if you weren't keeping a close eye on it.
MAN: Let it go.
(Amir lets go)
AMIR: Why? So you can just turn a blind eye to all your belongings? What's in there? Open it up!
MAN: No!
AMIR: Alright. Just (brief pause) cool it!
MAN: Don't talk to me, don't touch my things.
AMIR: I won't. If you promise me, you gotta promise me, right now, that you're gonna-
MAN: Go fuck yourself!
AMIR: I'm going. Alright, I'm going to fuck myself, sir, but you gotta admit-
MAN: Leave!
AMIR: You learned a lesson-
MAN: Leave!
AMIR: Lesson learned, right, hey! (to Jake) You takin' notes here? Ya fat cow!
JAKE: You know, you left your wallet, open, on your desk.
AMIR: What? Whatever.
JAKE: You have cash spilling out of the back of your jeans.
AMIR: (Turning around, dropping cash) What-ever, I said! (Reaches for bag again) Sneak attack, number two.
(Man grabs it back)
MAN: Hey!
AMIR: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoah-
MAN: I told you-
AMIR: Oh-ho, yeah.
THE END