Amir: You're watching Drake and Amir! Not hard.
Jake: Not right!
Amir: Barely!
Amir: Okay, why do they call this a high school play? They should be calling it a high school work... 'Cause it's boring. (laughs)
Jake: It hasn't started yet.
Amir: Okay, I got, like, fifty more of those jokes, and if you're gonna nitpick every single one of 'em, they're almost not even worth saying.
Jake: Then don't.
Amir: ALMOST! ...I said.
Amir: NO, DON'T GO IN THERE!
Jake: Shhh...
Amir: What? It's not a movie, okay? There are actual actors here; they can hear me.
Jake: Exactly.
Amir: Heed my advice!
Jake: No...
Amir: I feel like I'm directing it.
Jake: Wow, bad way to feel.
Amir: CUT! Sorry.
Amir: Hey, which one's your cousin? I wanna heckle him.
Jake: It's a girl.
Amir: Then she's not your cousin! ...She's your nephew. (chuckles)
Jake: You're even wrong when you're already wrong.
Amir: ...That's beautiful. (takes out phone)
Jake: Don't e-mail that to yourself. Hey! (reaches for phone)
Amir: HEY!
Amir: I don't get this at all.
Jake: It's a musical.
Amir: Yeah, it doesn't explain why people are randomly singing and dancing.
Jake: Yes, it does!
Amir: Does!
Jake: It does.
Amir: Yeah.
[Amir has earphones in.]
Jake: Hey, can you not listen to your iPod?
Amir: WHAT?
Jake: Shhh, wow, please stop listening to music, okay?
Amir: It's not music, okay? It's a podcast. Check it. (moves earbud to Jake's ear)
Jake: Yeah, it sounds like a crazy person screaming into a microphone.
Amir: Yeah, that's the name of the podcast. Okay, my cousin mikes up a bunch of homeless people throughout the city and sorta just lets 'em loose.
Amir: Ugh, I really have to take a dump.
Jake: Then go to the bathroom.
Amir: Don't tell me where to shit, man! Okay? Legit prairie doggin' it.
Jake: (looking down) Oh no...
Amir: (looking down) Oh yeah, he's on the loose...
[Amir has his headphones in again.]
Jake: Just watch the play.
Amir: I am watching, okay? I'm just not listening.
Amir: (singing) Go grease lightning, you're burning up the quarter mile! (talking) Smiley f—
Jake: Please stop. Please stop.
Amir: I'm singing along, okay?
Jake: This isn't Grease.
Amir: You think you're a hot shot 'cause you got a cousin? (laughs) Big whoop, you smug prick. I have twenty-seven nieces and nephews.
Jake: Okay, great, just be quiet.
Amir: Eleven girls, eleven boys. That's all I'll say.
Jake: Thank you, just talk to me about it after the show. Please.
Amir: Okay, fine. Their names are Ryan, Brian, Cryin', Fryin', and Sandra, The Little Engine That Can't.
Jake: Wow, mean nickname.
Amir: Yeah, she has, like, no knee, all right? She's got legit no knees, so we—we sorta discourage her from doing stuff.
Amir: (singing) You are supreme! Uh, uh! The chicks will cream! Uh, uh!
Man in Audience: Hey!
Amir: HEY YOU!
Jake: Okay...
Amir: I got a kid up there, man!
Jake: (restraining Amir) Stop.
[The Principal is lecturing Jake and Amir.]
Principal: These kids have been working their butts off for five months, and you two guys are ruining it!
Amir: (makes fart noise) Oh, Principal Farley farted! (chuckles) ...Tough crowd! Yeah, we'll be quiet.
[The audience is clapping at the end of the play.]
Amir: BOOOO! BOOOO! BOO! ENCORE!
Jake: Why encore?
Amir: I wanna boo them one more time! (clapping) BOO!
THE END