Jake: You're watching Jake and Amir!
Amir: Not necessarily...
Jake: Yes, necessarily.
Amir: All right!
[Amir is placing soiled toilet paper on Jake's desk.]
Amir: (singing to self) I feel shitty... Oh, so shitty—
Jake: Hey, hey, hey! What the fuck is this?
Amir: OWNED!
Jake: (looks to desk) Is that actually—oh my god. Are you fucking crazy? Are you actually batshit fucking crazy?
Amir: Relax, dude, you got pranked, okay? (raises hand) Give it up for the pranker.
Jake: Why?
Amir: It's—What, you've never heard of teepeeing?
Jake: I've heard of it. You've done it before.
Amir: Well, this is a brown teepee.
Jake: I have to burn my desk.
Amir: (laughs) Relax, dude, it's just poo-poo, okay? If it were bad for you, it wouldn't be in your stomach before you pooped it out!
Jake: You poop it out because it's bad for you. It's waste. It's excrement. It's feces. Feces has diseasies.
Amir: All right, Dr. Seuss, okay? If you were just worried that this is, like, a homeless person's shit and not mine, I can assure you... it's a combination of both. (grabs piece of toilet paper and moves it to Jake's face) OOH!
Jake: (grabbing Amir's arm) Whoa, hey, look, just.. leave it alone. I'll find a way to deal with it, but you just don't touch—
Amir: (lunges again) OOH, DANGEROUS!
Jake: If you come near me with it, I'm gonna punch you in the face.
Amir: Oh, it's so toxic!
Jake: Amir, it is! It's human shit, all right? I feel like I'm dealing with a two-year-old.
[Pat and Sarah show up to restrain Jake while Amir smears the toilet paper on Jake's face.]
Amir: Oh no, it's _____! Oh nooooo! No! (smearing)
Pat: Oh! Ohhhhh!
Sarah: (laughing)
Jake: OH, I hate you guys! (Pat and Sarah join Amir.) What the hell?!
Amir, Pat, and Sarah: GOTCHA! It's pudding!
Amir: (immediately after) And shit!
Jake: Wait, what?
Amir: It's pudding.
Jake: You said, And shit.
Pat: It's just pudding!
Amir: Just pudding. (chuckles) I said, And shit, 'cause it's, like, uh... It's pudding and shit. (chuckles) Like, y—you go to the market, and you're like, I'm gonna get pudding and shit. But it—you're just getting pudding and then sh—you're not really getting shit. It's just pudding. Pudding and shit.
Jake: But it—but it smells and tastes like...
Pat and Sarah: Yeah, it does...
Amir: ONE LOG! [Jake gags and runs off.] Okay, I put one log [Sarah: Oh...] in there to get the color right, and then everything else is chocolate, okay—and I don't even know if I took it from the log section, so you're still being a bitch.
Sarah: Why.. would you do that?
Amir: To get the color right, I just said, to get the color—
Pat: What does that mean?
Sarah: Yeah.
Amir: It means the prank is over. So we can stop pretending to be friends.
[Amir tosses up the toilet paper into Pat's face.]
Pat and Sarah: OH!
THE END
I can't quite tell what Amir says right before he smears the poo on Jake.