INTRO
JAKE: You're watching Jake and Amir!
AMIR: Hey, it's a living!
JAKE: Just don't talk.
AMIR: Deal!
[Jake and Amir are sitting at their desks.]
AMIR: Oh, hey Jake.
JAKE: Yeah.
[Amir turns and smiles, revealing that he has braces.]
AMIR: Have a good one.
JAKE: Oh, no...
AMIR: Oh, yeah!
JAKE: Blood.
[Amir's gums have begun bleeding to the point where all of his teeth are red.]
AMIR: Oh... no. Oh no.
JAKE: At least tell me you went to a real orthodontist.
AMIR: I can tell ya... but then I'd have to kill ya!
JAKE: Why?
AMIR: It's... just a t-- forget it, okay? My cousin Leron jacked the pamphlet from a dentist and tried to slap these on herself.
JAKE: Herself?
AMIR: Himself, I said.
JAKE: No, you didn't.
AMIR: Turns out, he couldn't. Wuh-oh, no surprise there. Leron's a coward and a thief. Good thing his buddy Travin was right around the corner, and he fixed me up right good! Only problem is: he's concussed.
JAKE: How?
AMIR: Sittin' in the operating chair, I'm this terrible combination of pissed and scared, kickin' my legs willy-nilly like a jackrabbit over water, but Lee and Trav were gung-ho about the project, not ready to relent. Luckily for me, Trav [now pronounced trayv] is a frickin' geezer.
JAKE: How old is he?
AMIR: He's a sprightly ninety-three, but doesn't look a day under thirty.
JAKE: That's cuz he's not.
AMIR: Anyway, I kick him straight in the jar.
JAKE: Do you mean jaw?
AMIR: I wish!
JAKE: What was wrong with your teeth, anyway?
AMIR: Don't pretend you didn't notice, okay? Gingivitis, plaque, rotting-gum disease, oral acne, periodontic rosacea...
JAKE: So they weren't crooked, though.
AMIR: God, no. Nah, I had a--, like, headgear for the first eleven years on Earth.
JAKE: Right. Since you were an infant?
AMIR: Yeah. Well, even way before. I even had one of those chinstrap things and, like, a built-in retainer you had to turn with, like, a... like a-- that soda can opener thing?
JAKE: Like a tab?
AMIR: No, like the thing you open a soda can with.
JAKE: The tab.
AMIR: Yeah. Right, exactly. A tab. Either way, in about three weeks I'm gonna have the brightest set of pearly-whites you'll ever see!
JAKE: Braces straighten your teeth. They don't whiten them.
[Amir makes a face and bobbles his head, mocking Jake. Jake looks confused.]
AMIR: I know.
JAKE: You know?
AMIR: I know.
JAKE: You know. Okay, so why--
AMIR: I know! So drop it.
JAKE: So why would you--
AMIR: So drop it.
JAKE: Your gums are bleeding, man.
AMIR: Bleeding? ...Or am I just eating a red velvet cupcake?
JAKE: Bleeding.
AMIR: Incorrect! [He pulls out a red velvet cupcake.] Both.
JAKE: That looks like an intact cupcake, so you didn't eat it.
AMIR: I was gonna, okay? But my teeth frickin' kill.
JAKE: Wow, braces, fallin' off.
[Amir's braces have slipped off his teeth.]
AMIR: Yeah. Here we go...
END