INTRO Jake - Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir - Laugh!
Jake - The video hasn't started.
Amir - Okay.
(Jake and Amir are in a park, sitting on the grass)
JAKE: Thanks again for agreeing to do this.
AMIR: No worries.
JAKE: You're the last person I wanted to ask, but the only guy I know who knows Hebrew.
AMIR: (Bowing) I am honored.
JAKE: Don't be honored, I was saying it to--
(Talking over each other)
AMIR: It is an honor--
JAKE: It's not an honor
AMIR: Thank you very much, I am honored.
JAKE: Don't be.
AMIR: You've honored me.
JAKE: You know what, forget it. I actually don't need you. I'll use an iPhone app or something, just get out of here.
AMIR: I'm already honored, I'm staying.
JAKE: Just don't be honored— Okay, here she is.
(Rachel sits down next to them)
RACHEL: (With a slight accent) Hello.
JAKE: Hello.
AMIR: Shalom.
JAKE: You don't have to translate that.
AMIR: (Hebrew) I don't have to translate that. (He and Rachel laugh)
JAKE: Please stop.
AMIR: (Hebrew, to the Rachel) Stop!
JAKE: No no no no no, not you, him. Translate that.
AMIR: I mean, c'mon, she pretty much gets it.
JAKE: She pretty much doesn't, okay? She stopped laughing.
AMIR: Ya, cause that was a bad joke.
JAKE: It wasn't a joke.
RACHEL: (Hebrew) I'm sorry, I missed the train. I must look terrible.
AMIR: She missed the train and had to run here, so she feels gross and ugly.
JAKE: No, no, you're beautiful. Tell her she's beautiful.
AMIR: Well, then you'll look a little desparate, so...
JAKE: Okay, well just say it.
AMIR: Well, she's probably just fishing for compliments, trust me dude, you do not—
JAKE: Why did I even invite you here then, okay? Just say that to her.
AMIR: (Hebrew) You're just fishing for compliments. You don't look good.
JAKE: What did you say to her?
AMIR: Nothing we both don't already think.
JAKE: Just tell her that I want to take her out to dinner tonight.
AMIR: (Still in English) Jake says don't expect him to pay, okay? You guys are splittin' the bill. Even in Israel, people are going Dutch.
JAKE: Hey, dude?
AMIR: I mean, it's 2011, so stop waiting for a--
JAKE: Buddy, you're talking in English and you're not saying what I said! Alright? You're an asshole!
(Amir begins to translate that)
JAKE: Don't say that to her.
AMIR: (Hebrew) You look pretty.
JAKE: (Talking to Rachel )No! No, look at me. No.
RACHEL: Goodbye! (She gets up and walks away)
JAKE: Hey! (To Amir) What are you doing? (Jake follows her) Hey, Rachel, wait.
JAKE: Look, you're mad at me for all of the wrong reasons.
RACHEL: I'm mad at you because you saw me speaking Hebrew at a bar and hit on me, demanding that I come meet you here at this park, that you'd have a translator. I told you I spoke English well, and you laughed, saying that it was a cute attempt at speaking normal.
JAKE: It was.
RACHEL: I figured I'd come here for a free meal, but you are so unbearable to be around, that it's not worth it! Though I am happy that you're not wearing that ugly fedora anymore. And those dog tags.
JAKE: I'm still wearing the dog tags, alright? But you know what, I'm glad that this isn't gonna work out because fashion is the #1 most important thing in my life, and you don't got it. (Raising up his hand as a peace sign, which a leather band around his wrist) So peace out.
RACHEL: Is that a watch?
JAKE: It's a leather band, sister.
RACHEL: Ugh. (She leaves)
JAKE: Is that funny? (To Amir, who walks up beside him) Way to go man, you blew that for me, she's a Lesbian.
AMIR: I blew it, or she's a Lesbian?
JAKE: Both, to be honest. (Holding up his wrist) Tell me, what do you think about—
AMIR: Not stylin'.
JAKE: Then help me take it off!
AMIR: Your hand is purple.
JAKE: Ya, cause it's small. I stole the belt off my sister's frickin' doll, dude.
THE END