INTRO
Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Turn your cellphone off.
Amir: I'm playing a game!
Jake: I know.
Murph: Why don't we just come back later?
Jake: 'Cuz I'm good at juggling now, Murph, alright? I'm just nervous.
Sarah: You're not even close.
Jake: Now I'm pissed. I'm obviously not going to be a good juggler if I'm pissed. Don't leave! Don't leave! Please don't leave. Here, I'll do it.
Amir (skipping in chanting USA): We caught the bitch! We caught the bitch!
Jake: What are you talking about?
Amir: Osama bin Hidin'. Osama bin Not.
Sarah: He was hiding.
Amir: Well now he's not. We're gonna put him on trial, and I'm gonna grill him. (sizzling noise) George Foreman style. AKA with onions.
Murph: That's not George Foreman style.
Jake: Sorry, why do you think you would be the one to interrogate Osama bin Laden?
Amir: Because he's guilty
Jake: He's dead.
Amir: As charged, and I'm gonna bring him there.
Murph: No, like he's actually dead.
Amir: What?
Jake: How do you hear about this story and not know he was dead?
Amir: I saw a two month old New York Post on the subway this morning with his face on it and figured we had caught the bitch, right? Put a net around him and dragged his ass to Yankees Stadium, put him on trial in front of the fearless fans of Bronx's Alpha, parked his car in the Harvard yard, took him to the square.
Jake: That's Boston.
Amir: Only it wasn't Osama bin Laden; it was my dad. And it wasn't Yankees Stadium, either, it was like my elementary school and I was naked.
Jake: Ok, so now you're talking about like a dream you had, did you pass out or something?
Amir: Mhm. Yeah I fainted, twice. Today, actually. Once at my aunt's condo on the way over here in a bowl of cereal, and another on like a subway platform, and when I came to there were 35 police officers looking down on me, told me I missed the train by like half an inch. I was this close-
Jake: Alright, stop talking. You're saying, like a million different things at once and the only person who can juggle that many things at once is named yours truly.
Jake: Alright leave! Everybody just leave, leave, alright? I'll make a video of me juggling, but for now; screw you guys, you need to go home. Alright, Murph, you're lucky you're a bitch, that would've hit you square. You got your bitch shield up, dude.
Jake (Murph is wrestling him): Ow! Alright. Ow! Ah! Ah! Ow! Murph! I was joking!