[Intro]
Amir: Hey you're watching Jake and Amir, and me and Jake are wearing matching jeans.
Jake: We're not!
Amir: So...
[Scene]
(Office, Amir and Jake at opposite desks, Jake begins to eat his sandwich)
Amir: (Rocking back and forth, giggling obnoxiously) Ohhhhhhhh! You can't torture me like that man! You can't torture me like that! You're making me weak kid. You're making me weak man. (Goat like giggling between each sentence) I'm not eating carbs this month man and it's killing me to watch you eat that sandwich.
Jake: Stop it with that voice. You know you're eating a sandwich right now, that has carbs. (Cut to Amir eating sandwich)
Amir: (Mouth full of sandwich) Not a lot. Not a lot!
Jake: Yeah a lot and you said you weren't eating any.
Amir: Okay well I'm hungry! Alright? And I need the energy and I'm eating around the carbs.
Jake: You're not eating around the carbs, you're eating a foot-long sub and it looks like it has french fries in it.
Amir: (Now holding a half eaten bagel) You want some legit constructive criticism?
Jake: How do you have a bagel now?
Amir: You're not well travelled. (Shrugs) Bomb-shell. I know I'm sorry but I'm right okay. Take yourself on a me-cation. Go some place warm.
Jake: It's 90 degrees out today.
Amir: (Biting a pizza slice) Then go some place warmer.
Jake: You're eating so many carbs. Like everything you're putting into your mouth is a carb.
Amir: I'm on a diet. Okay. Have you ever heard of Atkins?
Jake: I have. I don't think you have. Cos you're not doing it right.
Amir: (Drops pizza on paper plate) I eat what I want, when I want, why... I want.
Jake: That's not how any diet works alright? Especially Atkins.
Amir: Why don't you tell my six pack how diets work baby! (Lifts up shirt)
Jake: Oh wow, lot of rashes!
Amir: Yeah!
Jake: Wow.
Amir: I know!
Jake: Jesus Christ
Amir: Shut up!
Jake: So many rashes...
Amir: Okay relax. It's all one big rash okay. This one's a rash, that one's eczema all along my sides that's adult impetigo.
Jake: So that sounds like a lot of different rashes.
Amir: Yeah, each rash is a sixer. A six pack of ab muscles so...
Jake: Look now you're binge eating man!
Amir: (Eating spaghetti bolognese) Okay I eat when I'm happy!
Jake: Well you look really upset.
Amir: (Whining through mouthful of spag bol) That's cos my frickin abdomen feels like it was drenched in syrup two weeks ago and I haven't had the time to clean it off since. It's really dry and really itchy.
Jake: Yeah well maybe you're allergic to some of the food that you're eating, ok.
Amir: No, it's not that. It's from the syrup. I actually did drench my abdomen in syrup.
Jake: So that wasn't a metaphor.
Amir. No. It was for real. I legit just arched my back and walked abdomen-first into a syrup fall, which is kinda like a waterfall but instead of water it's...
Jake: Syrup (nodding)
Amir: GRAVY! Okay! Don't cut me off.
Sarah: Yeah you do do that Jake. You cut people off like, a lot. It's really...
Jake: Annoying! I know! But you were interrupting and that's my pet peeve.
Amir: (Mouthful of chocolate cake) Stop fighting!
[END]
Edit: Correcting the mistakes raised in seeegma's comment, thanks for the proof-read!