INTRO
AMIR: (monotone) Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
JAKE: A little more effort, right?
AMIR: Nah.
(Everyone walks in laughing and eating ice cream, except for Amir, who's at his desk)
AMIR: (fake laughter) That was the best! Are you guys laughing 'cause you're about to get fired?
JAKE: Why would we be laughing if that were the case?
AMIR: I don't know, why'd you cut out at 3:30 to go get ice cream?
JAKE: There's an ice cream truck downstairs. We were gone for like, fifteen minutes.
AMIR: Uh, actually, my dear Watson, it was twelve.
JAKE: So it was less than I thought. It's the first nice day of the year and - No! No. I don't have to justify this to you.
AMIR: No, you don't have to justify it to me. You do have to justify it to your boss, though. (points to his computer) Don't you?
JAKE: (looking at Amir's computer) What are these?
AMIR: Thirty three emails sent from your account to Ricky, your boss. Shame you weren't here to stop me. Oh wait, I forgot. You're in a corn maze!
JAKE: You actually did forget; we were getting ice cream. (reading email) Dear Ricky, I don't value my job as much as I do that sweet, sweet cream.
AMIR: Yeah, and then he responds as the Donald, Ya fired.
JAKE: No, he didn't respond. You emailed him again, and you said, Do you want your letter of resignation in a waffle cone or a waffle bowl, sir? Or is it easier if I just blend it up in a soy vanilla frappuccino?
AMIR: Yeah, cream on the side.
JAKE: Didn't write that.
AMIR: And mixed in.
JAKE: Didn't write that.
AMIR: I just thought of it two seconds ago. Otherwise I would've written it. But now, Ricky gets the hit and he's livid.
JAKE: No, that's when you finally got his auto-response. He's on vacation for the week, and you responded to that, What a quinky-doink, I'm also on vacation as I've mentally checked the f*ck out twelve minutes ago and went deep in that cream, cream county, and you know what? It is sweet. It tastes like never working in this town again.
AMIR: For a thousand Gs, I will un-send that email.
JAKE: You can't do that. It looks like you started back-tracking anyways, 'cause this email reads: Sir, forgive me for getting ice cream, I value this job.
AMIR: Yeah, keep reading. It gets brat-worse.
JAKE: No, it doesn't, it looks like you come clean in the next email; you write, You've just been had, this was an Amir Blumenfeld prank-duction. You shoulda seen the look on your face.
AMIR: You looked like a friggin dildo baggins!
JAKE: You didn't write that.
AMIR: I just thought of it! Everything that I'm saying now, I just thought of so it's not in the emails.
JAKE: Okay, well I'm just saying you didn't add it. Okay, well you went on; you said, Please, please, please open up Photobooth and take a picture of your mug right now and send it to me, and I wanna see what a legit dildo baggins you must look alike, sir.
AMIR: Alright, are we done here?
JAKE: So it looks like you didn't just think of the dildo baggins-
AMIR: (raising voice) Are we done here?
JAKE: Where are you going?
AMIR: I'm cutting out early, okay? It's the first nice day of the year, and you expect me to spend it indoors? No! I'm going home!
JAKE: So it sounds like you're still going to be indoors.
AMIR: (takes a bite of a co-worker's ice cream) Woo! Lactose intolerant since '94 baby! I'm gonna puke!