INTRO
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake and Ami- Ow! You stabbed me!
AMIR: In the hand...
JAKE: Yeah!
(Jake is reading Amir's screenplay)
AMIR: So?
JAKE: So I read it.
AMIR: Took you long enough.
JAKE: It's over 400 pages.
AMIR: Yeah, most of that is scene direction, though-
JAKE: -Which makes it longer.
AMIR: Enough talk. What'd you think?
JAKE: Sounds like you still want to be talking then.
AMIR: What did you think?
JAKE: That you shouldn't write screenplays anymore.
AMIR: Give me one thing, okay? Give me one thing to hone in on. It's so broad.
JAKE: I'm not going to give you one thing. You always want one thing.There are thousands of screenplay rules, right? And I can't imagine one of them that you didn't break.
AMIR: Just try to focus all your energy, like a laser, on one thing, yeah.
JAKE: Stop saying like you want one thing, like you only could've made one mistake. You made a lot of mistakes.
AMIR: Focus it. Focus in on one.
JAKE: Okay, the first mistake you could've made: your title is F*ck It: I'm Going Fishing Instead.
AMIR: Wow! Congrats, grad! You can read.
JAKE: Don't get defensive so early, okay? I mean, I read the whole thing, didn't I? And page 96 to 311 is one long, unbroken run-on sentence about how your main character, Brake Obama - a name I assume you spelled incorrectly-
AMIR: -Probably autocorrected...
JAKE: I doubt it. About how Brake Obama either needs to show his birth certificate or resign as mayor.
AMIR: That impostor is from Hawaii, I guarantee it.
JAKE: Okay, that's true.
AMIR: Maybe you'll be singing a different tune when you realize who we were thinking of for the male lead.
JAKE: Another thing: all of your scene headings say Interior: I don't give a flaming fuck.
AMIR: Edward frickin' Nort.
JAKE: Norton.
AMIR: No, my cousin's lawyer, Edward Nort.
JAKE: You know, I don't even think you need an actor because there's only one line of dialogue. It comes on page 299, and I think it's a typo because the main character says, Interior: I don't give a flaming fuck.
AMIR: You should've heard Mr. Nort deliver that line. He nailed it in callbacks.
JAKE: Okay, how about this: I'll shred the entire thing and as a favor to you, I will never bring it up again.
AMIR: So basically, you're jealous 'cause we didn't cast you as the main guy.
JAKE: Okay, I'm not jealous, alright? I don't give a shit.
AMIR: You're not annoyed we went with Nort over you?
JAKE: I would've loved at least an opportunity to make callbacks, to know I was seriously considered.
AMIR: You were seriously considered. You were!
JAKE: Oh, bullshit!
AMIR: Yes!
JAKE: You dragged my ass in there as a dog and pony show, alright? You had Nort and I from day one and you put in there to light a fire under Nort's agent's ass. Well guess what? (gets serious) Interior: I don't give a flaming fuck-
AMIR: -Bad!
JAKE: That was not bad! That was good! Nort's bad. Here we go, southern twang! (in southern accent) Interior-
AMIR: -No.
JAKE: I don't give a- Don't say No while I'm talking, okay? Let me finish! It's gonna sound bad if you say No while I'm trying to do it. Listen! (in southern accent) Interior: I don't give a flaming fuck.
AMIR: No.