Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: With no hands, bitches!
Jake: What?
Amir: I don't know...
[Amir arrives in a suit with a corsage, sits at his desk, sighs, and chuckles.]
Amir: I gotta cut out early today...
Jake: It's 4:50, and you just showed up for the first time.
Amir: Yeah, well, I gotta go to prom.
Jake: No, you don't.
Amir: Oh my god. You sound just like her dad.
Jake: Whose dad?
Amir: The girl that refused to go with me.
Jake: You're a bad person.
Amir: Yeah, so me and my boys [Amir makes air quotes.] rented a limo (pronounced lie-mo). We're gonna go... stag. (chuckles)
Jake: Why the air quotes?
Amir: That's when you go alone, without a date, but—
Jake: I know what stag is; you did air quotes over my boys.
Amir: 'Cause none of those douches ponied up the dough yet, all right? And they all said no to me. It's like, I'm doing all the leg work; the least they could do is not yell at me.
Jake: Gotcha, so it sounds like you're going to prom completely alone.
Amir: Nah, I'm gonna go with Mickey, my friend. (chuckles) Goal of the prom is to pour a gallon of milk on the bitch that refused this hand.
Jake: Why milk?
Amir: (leaning in closer) Okay, get this, poetic justice...
Jake: Don't whisper to me, okay? I don't wanna know your secrets.
Amir: Couple of weeks ago, a few of her friends beat the shit out of me.
Jake: So you got your ass kicked by a bunch of highschoolers.
Amir: Not a bunch! Okay, just two sluts that wouldn't take Please, I'm sorry! for an answer. (chuckles) They pushed me into a cow. Dodged a bullet there...
Jake: Okay, why the corsage?
Amir: What?
Jake: The corsage?
Amir: (grabs corsage) Okay, is there an answer I could give that wouldn't result in you hating me more?
Jake: I guess you could say this corsage is for an unfortunate kid who couldn't afford a gift for his date, and the only reason I'm in a tuxedo is because I rented a limo and I'm gonna take them to prom myself.
Amir: (pause, quiet, shaking head) ...No.
Jake: I didn't think so.
Amir: Yeah, it's, like, not even close to that...
Jake: I know.
Amir: I was gonna put this corsage on her milk-soaked wrist and plug away at her fingers like they're little udders, while the whole school hopefully chants, Moo, cow, moo! Moo, cow, moo! Moo, cow, moo!
Jake: All right, dinner tonight?
Amir: What?
Jake: Just you and me, dinner... skip the prom.
Amir: (pause) Okay.
Jake: All right, great!
Amir: ...I just have to, like, swing by for, like, [Jake: No!] twenty seconds, [Jake: I'm saying... We'll skip it!] to go into the prom for, like, a little bit! [Jake: It—no, why?] We're gonna go [Jake: Why?] for half a second! [Jake: Why? I said!] To pour a gallon of milk on the bitch; I still wanna do that!
Jake: That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid.
Amir: It's too late, okay; I already have the whole thing pretty much planned out.
Jake: Okay, well, if it's only planned out pretty much, then it's not too late.
Amir: (grabbing cell phone) Oh! Speak of the devil! (talking on phone) Hey bitch! (chuckles) Hey, I hope you're not lactose intolerant—'cause you're getting milked tonight! (chuckles) Good! No, good, put him on. (talking to dad) Hey sir. Hi, yes, uh, your daughter is a nobody at high school. I'm friends with Dylan, okay? I know what's cool. He wears frickin' sunglasses to class. Yeah! No, I'm in the cool group, and we all agree that your daughter is a zero. She's less than a zero, and guess what? She's gonna wake up with cheese in her ears tomorrow morning, which ain't gonna help the situation. (chuckles) Y'know what, good, call the cops. I just won't show up then. (chuckles) Actually... can you not, because I wanted to show up and do the milk—well, I don't wanna get arrested! So now I can't go—I dropped a G on this frickin' tux, sir! This was supposed to be the most magical night of my life, and you're basically telling me not—that I can't go, because I'm—okay. Great. Bye. (hangs up) Yeah, my night just opened up hard, so we can hang out. I might wanna call in a bomb threat though, y'know; if the fuzz are gonna be there, we might as well frickin' make them earn their keep.
Amir: (talking on phone) Ah, Mickey, my friend! (laughs) Good news, sir! There was no traffic, and I am there early! Come outside. That body you're about to see hanging out of a stretch Hummerzine? That is me, my friend! That is all me. (laughs) Can you see me? I'm waving my hands, Mickey! Nah, you can't see me, because I'm not there, Mickey. I got stood up to prom, Mickey, and now you are too! Yeah, Operash Milk? That's a no-go. I don't c—I don't know, man; you spent two weeks on a dairy farm. (laughing) That's not my problem anymore! That's your milk, your problem, Mickey! The operash is a no-go like I said, Mickey. All right, I'm just kidding; come outside—'CAUSE I'M NOT THERE.
THE END