INTRO
Jake - Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir - And if anybody needs a couch, just text me.
Jake - This isn't craigslist.
EPISODE
Amir - Doing an eight week boot camp at Gold's Gym.
Jake - Ok.
Amir - Six weeks in, and I haven't showed up yet.
Jake - Heheh nice, alright, I actually have to write this e-mail so...
Amir - Day one and I show up ready as a raw rack of ribs.
Jake - You just said you never showed up.
Amir - First up is a 2 mile power jog on this death machine they call a trackmill.
Jake - Treadmill.
Amir - So I use the opportunity to go for a run myself, out of the friggin gymnastium. But not before proving my worth to the instructor by picking up the biggest weight I could find... The weight to the women's locker room. Hahah.
Jake - (looks unamused)
Amir - Didn't think you'd get that. Now I actually bend down to pick up a barbell that probably grossed about 80 kilos and pop goes my weasel. My back is pulled like a pork sandwich in pot-tuckey.
Jake - I don't wanna hear the whole story man, ok. You're only on day one.
Amir - I practiced like... ok.
Jake - Ok.
Amir - It's just that I practiced a lot you know, that story was very very memorized, and the metaphors were very tight, ok. I figured you'd appreciate it.
Jake - Well you figured so completely wrong.
Amir - Sure...so.... What now?
Jake - We work, ok. You don't have to talk to me.
Amir - It's fine.
Jake - It's fine.
Amir - ...Then I won't.... Second day's the first loser so I walk back into that nastium with my head held higher than a helium kite on the fourth planet... Martians.
Jake - You said the metaphors were tight man, that was such a stretch.
Amir - Yeah, well you said you didn't even want to hear 'em.
Jake - Exactly.
Amir - So I stopped.
Jake - And then you started again.
Amir - Let me at least rattle off the metaphors ok, not the whole story, just, you know... otherwise they weren't even worth me thinking of.
Jake - They weren't.
Amir - Flaccid as an octopus in a cowboy costume.
Jake - Bad.
Amir - Hell time at high noon day.
Jake - Not a metaphor.
Amir - Let me finish, sorry but... Hell time at high noon day. Uh, chicken-eyed like a cock nosed rooster.
Jake - So you were finished with the hell time one.
Amir - With the hell time one yeah, yeah I was.
Jake - I don't even know how chicken-eyed would even fit into the story.
Amir - And now you'll never know.
Jake - I have a feeling you're gonna tell me...
Amir - Day 12 is breathing exercises and pelvic stretching, so I'm like fff-no. Heh. Ef-no.
Jake - Pelvic Stretches? What kind of boot camp was this?
Amir - It's a post natal baby boot camp, ok. Imagine my surprise when I find out.
Jake - I imagine you were chicken-eyed...
Amir - Yeah, I was friggin chicken-eyed like a cock nosed...
Jake - Rooster.
Amir - (makes weird face) Exactly.
Jake - You gotta stop making that face alright, please.
Amir - (drops face)
Checklist for Episodes