INTRO
Amir: Americans are paying at the pump -
Jake: That's a newspaper not a script.
Amir: Whasevah.
[Jake and Amir are at their desks, Jake is taking eye drops]
Amir: [disgusted] Yek. Let me ask you a question. You on the good book? The facebook?
Jake: Yeah
Amir: Yeah? It's kinda like MySpace but for college kids, it's all interactive.
Jake: Right, that's not true, I said I was on it.
Amir: You don't think it's interactive?
Jake: Just, what's your point?
Amir: I'm saying these privacy settings they're completely wack.
Jake: Meaning?
Amir: Oh, come on, you gotta be pretty naïve to think Zark Fuckerberg isn't selling our shit to Skymall for kickbacks at this point.
Jake: Just type it all up in an email and send it to me.
Amir: Ok, no no. Explain to me how my account gets hacked every day.
Jake: Sometimes I see your facebook password as you status message.
Amir: [exasperated] Yeah, because I think I'm logged out but I'm not, ok!? So I'm typing it in but it's my status!
Jake: Don't yell at me like that's not an answer to your question.
Amir: I'm just saying that some of these privacy settings are legit anus-infested, ok? Everybody-Like every rando with a smartphone and an AOL account could just access my pics.
Jake: Your pics? You have one facebook album titled 'Another Day at the Races' and there's only one photo in here and it appears to be you at a dog pound bottomless with peanut butter all over your flaccid penis, you're surrounded by ten puppies and each one of them is ignoring you.
Amir: I need to untag it.
Jake: You need to delete it from the internet entirely. Ok, you're wearing a shirt that's like eight sizes too big and it reads 'don't be offended if you're a dog lover - so am I' and the caption of the photo is 'who wants to see me get my D wet' subcaption 'you're gay if you click this' subcaption 'delete' subcaption -
Amir: [interrupts] Subcaption! Subcaption caption!
Jake: [annoyed] Don't make fun of me here, ok?! You're the idiot. Subcaption: your facebook password.
Amir: I thought I was logged the fuck out!
Jake: How about this? Just calm down, let's calm down. Look at the groups you're a member of.
Amir: I am calm.
Jake: 'One million strong against the new facebook,' '10 million strong against the facebook redesign,' '100 million to say that Facebook is spying on us,' 'Amir Blumenfelds of the world unite.' This last one, 'If one billion people join this group I'll slam my nuts in the door.' All of them you're the only member, and this last one you uploaded the video... [clicks] It's you slamming your nuts in the door! Why would you do that before anybody joined?
Amir: Because I wanted to sweeten the deal! Alright, I wanted to let people know what was in store for them if they signed up for the frickin' group!
Jake: So you actually just went and slammed your nuts in the door?!
Amir: Well, ah, ok, here's the thing. I got amped up, right, I was trying to pump myself up to actually do the video one day and I said you know what, I'm ready, so I end up slamming my nuts in the door, and what am I gonna do? Just sit on the video? No, I decided to upload it, and you know what?-
Jake: [interrupts] It has three views!
Amir: Exactly! And you know what? Those three views they're probably all from a frickin' Skymall and Zark Fuckerberg he's walking around right now with massage boots over his head because it's a kickback from the frickin' mall!