INTRO Jake - Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir - And I just sat in cheese! Thank you!
Jake- How?
JAKE: Hey, who's chicaqueenvixenstyle.tumblr.com?
AMIR: Promise not to tell?
JAKE: I already know it's you.
AMIR: It's me.
JAKE: I know.
AMIR: I blog under a pseudonym so that people can't really tell--
JAKE: You don't. You sign every single post Amir Valerie Blumenfeld.
AMIR: My blog is a one stop shop for mom and pop, but don't bring dad around here. This ain't no place for dads.
JAKE: Really bad slogan, dude.
AMIR: That's why I barely even used it, dude.
JAKE: It's everywhere on the front page. Like a lot.
AMIR: Barely on there.
JAKE: Don't say barely, you're scrolling right now. Look, I can see you counting, if you're counting then it's too many.
AMIR: It's too many.
JAKE: These sex tips are like, really out there.
AMIR: Yeah, it's about being confident, sexy and fabulous. OK? Guys can tell, trust me.
JAKE: This one says put a (bleep) on it (bleep)(bleep)(bleep)(bleep)(bleep) until he bleeds.
AMIR: Did you know that a praying mantis have one spouse, one spouse for their entire life. OK, we can learn a lot from that.
JAKE: That's not true.
AMIR: It's on the blog.
JAKE: That doesn't make it a fact, man. I think you confuse them with penguins because right here you wrote, in all caps, penguins eat their husbands.
AMIR: OK, how about this for a true fact--
JAKE: If it's about praying mantises, I don't want to know. (pause) So it was.
AMIR: (mockingly) So you were.
JAKE: That's not what I said. If you're going to mock me, at least listen to what--
AMIR: Praying mantises can screw for 9 hours straight, OK? It's the most tantric sex you could ever imagine and I'm just supposed to sit on my fat butt and not blog about that? Like, no, I can't, what are you tal--
JAKE: You know, I'm also realizing that a lot of your tips of the day are really mean, the same thing, and not tips. Like this one says 'my blog is the one stop shop for mom and pop, but don't bring your dad around here. This ain't no place for dads.'
AMIR: Yeah, it's called reverse psychology, OK? I say it ain't no place for dads--
JAKE: All your other tips say 'long hair makes you look like a horse'!
AMIR: Pony tails...are for ponies.
JAKE: Delete your blog.
AMIR: OK, if you could just give me one bit of advice. Just one suggestion, because right now I feel like it's coming--
JAKE: It's delete the whole thing.
AMIR: After that, all right? Next tip, OK, let's say--
JAKE: I guess the slogan. OK? It's kind of redundant to say 'dont' bring your dad around here' and then also say 'this ain't no place for dads'.
AMIR: You just lost all your credibility like that. (attempts to snap)
JAKE: Ooo, you can't snap.
AMIR: No, but Widely agreed that that slogan was the smartest thing I ever came up with.
JAKE: Who agreed with that?
AMIR: My friend Widely.
JAKE: Your friends have the stupidest names I've ever heard--
AMIR: YEAH, well you look like a short-haired horse!
(blackout)
JAKE: You know, I was thinking more about your fashion blog, and maybe I could help you out by writing a column. Maybe then people will go to it. It'll be like J-Witz talking about fedo-do's, leather bands, vests . . .
AMIR: Nah, I'm OK. Tha--
JAKE: OK, WELL I'M NOT DONE TALKING! . . . vests.
THE END.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0VOuvQljdE