INTRO:
JAKE: Hey, you're watching Jake an-- Will you please start wearing pants to these?
AMIR: Relaaax.
[Jake and Amir are sitting at their desks.]
JAKE: ...and I was like, I was so confused, (Rick Fox walks up from behind Jake holding four cartons of eggs under one arm and a single egg in his free hand) I was so pissed, and I called up customer service, and I was like, yo--
(Rick cracks the egg he is holding on the back of Jake's chair and lets the contents fall onto Jake's head.)
JAKE: --OOH my God! (Amir and Rick laugh.) Rick Fox?
RICK: (patting Jake on the shoulder) You gotta learn how to be ready, man!
JAKE: That's.. not funny! Ok? I'm covered in egg!
RICK: (offering a high five to Amir, but with an egg in his hand) Up top, Amir! (Amir goes for the high five, but Rick slaps his hand on Amir's head, cracking the egg.)
AMIR: (laughing) Uhahah he got me too!
RICK: (sitting down next to Amir) Alright enough fun.
JAKE: How is this fun? What are you even doing here?
RICK: Well, you know I'm Amir's broker?
JAKE: I didn't know that; I thought you were his bookie.
RICK: Well, bookies are for thugs. Brokers are for mugs! (He and Amir smile cheesily.)
JAKE: You gotta stop it with the puns, I don't know who told you you were good--
AMIR: Basically I give Rick money, you know, MY money, and he invests it in basketball games, baseball games,--
RICK: Sports of that nature.
JAKE: So it sounds like you're still a bookie.
RICK: I also bought him a share of Dell.
AMIR: Dude. I'm getting a share of Dell.
JAKE: Just one share?
RICK: Yeah, I woulda bought him more, but he just lost forty Gs on the 1982 Miss Universe Pageant.
AMIR: Yeeah, Rick said that Miss East Germany was due, but uh, guess not. That was a big vig for the fantastic Mr. Fox--
AMIR and RICK: eeheheh HENRY! HENRY! HENRY!--
JAKE: Stop! Stop.
(Rick's phone rings; the contact who is calling is Giant Egg, whose picture is of a fried egg. Rick looks at the phone, gets nervous, and hangs up the call, putting his phone down.)
JAKE: I saw that.
RICK: No you didn't.
JAKE: Yes, I did, it looked like you got a c--
RICK: --Call from a giant egg? Impossible.
JAKE: Then why are you being so defensive about it?
RICK: Ok, look man. (covering the stack of egg cartons with she bloody-shouldered shirt from Zombie) I need you guys to do me an omelette-sized favor.
AMIR: Anything!
JAKE: ..No!..
RICK: Look, in about thirty minutes, a slew of farmers and cops are gonna come in here, looking for me.
JAKE: We said no.
RICK: Well, they're gonna be talking all sorts of insane BS, about how I've stolen thousands of--
JAKE: --Eggs?
RICK: No. What?
AMIR: (laughing) What? I'm like..
RICK: Tractors!
AMIR: (laughing) I dunno..
RICK: You seriously have a sick obsession.
AMIR: (laughing) You're like- What is wrong with you, man?
RICK: Was your mom a.. a chicken or something?
AMIR: Were you frickin' laid, man? Were you frickin like hatched, bro?
JAKE: HE'S the one that comes in here cracking eggs-- you know what, never mind.
RICK: Anyway, look. I need you guys.. to say that I was never here.
JAKE: Absolutely not.
AMIR: (looks to where Rick was sitting, sees nothing, then holds up an egg) He's gone!
JAKE: He's not gone. He walked like two feet; he's behind that plant.
(The camera pans to show Rick standing behind the plant, clearly visible.)
JAKE: (to Rick) You know you're not doing that good a job of hiding.
(Rick puts a finger to his mouth to say shh, then opens his lips and pushes out an egg with his tongue, pointing his finger at Jake.)
JAKE: At least move behind the main branch!
(Rick looks over at the main branch, then shakes his head no in response to Jake.)
JAKE: (throwing his arms up) Okay.
AMIR: He's fine!
JAKE: He's not fine!
RICK: (in a hushed tone) I'm fine! Be quiet!
END.