INTRO Jake - You're watching Jake and Amir!
Amir - (baby talk) Yes you are! Yes you are!
Jake - They're not babies.
(Amir is going through the motions of applying the eyedrops but his glasses are still on)
JAKE: Nope. You missed it. You hit your glasses again.
AMIR: Yeah. Hey, do you have someone you could set me up with, like on a date?
JAKE: Um. I don't know, man.
AMIR: Just. I'm lonely and horny, so.
JAKE: OK, Definitely not.
AMIR: OK, I've been on 5 dates in my life man. All right? The first one ended up insanely well but there's no way in hell she's ever going to go out with me again. Two of the girls I gave pink eye to. Fourth one, she ended up super, super pissed, but not at me. Fifth one, I really cannot for the life of me remember, oh right! No, you know what? You killed her with a bus!
JAKE: I di--I don't want to set you up with any of my friends, OK? Sorry.
AMIR: OK, are you afraid of me not being me on the date? Like me not being real, because I assure you, I will be there, it will be me, full throttle. Love me or hate me, you gotta love me.
JAKE: All right. I'm the girl. Let's say we're on the date right now. Where have you taken me?
AMIR: Here's something cute and quirky. Let's order dessert first. Haha, that's weird, I'm different.
JAKE: OK, you're trying too hard. Why don't you tell me about some of your hobbies.
AMIE: All right, let's just be frank, all right? I want one thing, and one thing only. A one night stand. Only at the end of the night, we won't be standing. I want to lay down and hug you.
JAKE: That's sad. Tell me about where you grew up.
AMIR: A lot of girls don't like guys that kiss and tell. Well, let me be frank with you, yet again, sweetheart. I never kiss, and always tell. (chuckles) I keep telling people how much I've never kissed.
JAKE: Do you realize you haven't answered a single one of my questions?
AMIR: And at the conclusion of the night, we walk home, I rub my hand against the dirty park bench, and just start rubbing your eyes.
JAKE: So, the pink eye thing. It's kind of a miracle the other 3 dates didn't get it.
AMIR: Yeah, well they probably did.
JAKE: All right, well like I said, I don't know anyone who would want to go out with you.
AMIR: Sorry. Is this still in character, like we're on the date?
JAKE: No.
AMIR: (getting worked up) What do you mean, no?
JAKE: I mean, I don't want to do this anymore.
AMIR: Is this why you invited me to this restaurant? To embarrass me in front of everyone? You slut!
JAKE: I don't want to play this game!
AMIR: OK, this isn't a game, baby. This is me! All right, my heart is exposed right now and you can either tear it out, or s- or say yes and make me the happiest man ever.
JAKE: We're not really breaking up.
AMIR: (sighs) Thank gosh, promise? (pause) I swear, all I want to do is lay down and hug.
THE END.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZtiWgvXLhE