Introduction:
Jake: Hey you're watching Jake and... Will you please start wearing pants to these.
Amir:Relax.
Amir: [Talking to three high school age boys and handing them each some cash] Thank you so much. Honestly, I mean I don't know what you do with this money but it's like yours to keep.
Jake:[Walking to his desk] Yo, what's going on?
Amir: None ya!
[Jake raises his eyebrows]
Amir: You're not curious to know what that means? None ya. It's a new word.
Jake: I already know what you're gonna say.
Amir: None ya business!
Jake: Right, got it. Why are you paying these teenagers money?
Amir: First of all, okay, they're not teenagers. They're all fifteen years old.
Jake: Then they're teenagers.
Amir: [Turning to the teenagers] You guys lied to me.
Jake: They didn't lie to you okay, you misconstrued that.How do you know them?
Amir: They were in second grade uh, when I was in second grade, so [Amir high fives all three of them in a row].
Jake: How? They're half your age?
Amir: I was held back. Constantly, if you must know. Eight straight years in second grade before I decided to turn it on. Alright, I flip it on like a light switch. I'm powering through third, fourth, fifth grade, sixth grade comes along, I open my stupid little trap, and the hammer comes down!
Jake: So you didn't talk for four years?
Amir: Not a peep! Alright, but then they find out that my reading is still at a second grade level and my math just isn't there.
Jake: So it sounds like you didn't turn it on.
Amir: Yeah, turns out I just left it off. They shipped me back to second grade with my tail between my legs and every teacher in the hallway just booing me. I spent another nine and a half spottin' second grade. I didn't say a peep the entire time! But hey, at this point, they're already hip to that game so they just keep me there.
Jake: So you didn't talk for ten years?
Amir: Not a peep.
Jake: Stop saying peep.
Amir: Mum was the fricken' peep.
Jake: That's enough. I don't know what you guys are doing here but you all can just go home alright, peace out [Jake gives them the peace sign].
Teenager 1: That's not cool.
Jake: [Puts up peace sign] This isn't cool? Alright dude, I'll stop doing it.
Amir: They're tutoring me.
Jake: They're tutoring you? Okay, yeah, and my shirts grey [sarcastic].
Teenager 2: Your shirt is grey.
Jake: Its steel! Okay! Why don't I tutor you in having eyes.
Amir: They're tutoring me in math, English, Physics...
Jake: Oh, they're tutoring you in math? Here's a pop quiz, eight times eight.
Amir: Ah, eight squared! You guys just taught me this.
Jake: Woah, woah,woah, excuse me dude, eight squared? I said eight times eight! [Jake starts pointing to his eyes] Listen!
Teenager 1: It's the same thing.
Jake: Who are you man? Alright look, either way he's not gonna get it.
Teenager 3: Come on Amir! You can do it!
Jake: Woah, woah, woah! Foul on the play! No doing that dude. You can't encourage him. He's got to do it himself.
Teenager 1: He is.
Jake: Not with you guys smiling at him, believing in him, saying [Jake starts in a mocking voice] Oh Amir, come on you can do it! You coddle him like a child. It's pathetic.
Amir: Oh, 64!
Jake: [Starts clapping] Bravo. Bravo. You guys tutored him to cheat, with a calculator under the desk. [Jake bends down to look under the desk and bangs his forehead down on top of it.] AH! Oh, no. Ow! Okay, no calculator under there but ay, who left this desk here? Haha. [Jake starts looking bad and puts his hand on his stomach] I'm gonna vomit.
Teenager 1: You should lie down.
Jake: You should lie up! Who are you! [Jake starts leaning on the desk] I don't need a tutor to tell me... [Jake wobbles a little and sits down on the desk] I'm dying.