[Introduction]
Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir. Alright, how was that bitch?
Jake: You just ruined it!
[Jake and Amir at their desks, both laughing]
Jake: laughs Oh, that does make sense because the subway wasn't running today.
Amir: Yeah, I know. I was just down there and I pressed the emergency breaks, you know? Which brings the whole thing to like a standstill. And we were stuck down there for like... a day. laughs
Jake: Yes! I remember you came up above ground finally and everyone was chanting Asshole!
Amir (powdering his face): Yeah, that's not the first time that's happened. laughs
Jake: Whoa...
Amir: Yeah, third grade talent show, decided to do standup comedy but my material was a little... raunchy. laughs I was booed off the stage, but my dad was so embarrassed that he moved.
Jake: Alright, that's sad, but I was talking about the makeup.
Amir: What?
Jake: You're putting powder on your face.
Amir: Yeah. I have oily skin. It's a greasy t-zone.
Jake: Do you wash your face?
Amir: Don't need to. laughs I just use the powder.
Jake: Then you do need to wash you-
Amir (interrupting Jake): The trick is to make it look like you're not wearing a lot.
Jake: That's the trick for girls. The trick for guys is just to never wear any makeup.
Amir (closing his compact): Alright, lemme tell you a story. In sixth grade, I was bullied so hard that my dad almost moved. Instead, my teacher called a parental mediation session. So it was just me and my dad, the tormenter and the tormenter's foster mom. They all ganged up on me so hard, that my dad moved.
Jake: Sorry, your dad ganged up on you so hard that he moved?
Amir (powdering his face): Yes.
Jake: How does this relate to oily skin?
Amir: It doesn't relate to oily skin. Okay? I just wear makeup, alright? Maybe you should care about your personal appearance too. You might look a little better.
Jake: Stand up!
(Amir stands up)
Jake: Turn around!
(Amir turns around)
Jake: Great! I just wanted to make sure I was getting fashion advice from the guy who shit his pants three weeks ago and has yet to clean them.
Amir: Ooh! Easy fix! (powders his butt)
Jake: That's not- No! That doesn't fix it.
Amir: Says the guy who got his pubes waxed everyday for like a month.
Jake: I didn't do that.
Amir: I'm talking about me. And you know what? I developed such a bad rash after my 30th full brazilian in as many days that you know what my dad did?
Jake: Moved?
Amir: He frickin' moved!