INTRO
JAKE: You're watching Jake and Amir, and why are you calling me?
AMIR: To talk!
AMIR: Sorry, who are we waiting for?
JAKE: Nobody, he's here.
BEN: Hi.
AMIR: Ahh!
BEN: (opens arms) Welcome, to my office.
AMIR: This is your office?
BEN: No, come on.
AMIR: (imitates hand motion) But, you went like that.
BEN: (points to elbows) I was just stretching these parts of my arms.
AMIR: The elbows?
BEN: I don't know what they're called, but I was stretching them.
AMIR: In addition to the movement, you said welcome to my office.
BEN: I don't remember what I said, who knows what I said, Jake brought me here.
JAKE: I didn't bring you here.
BEN: You sure did. I was holding like 30 bags of Funyuns and I couldn't get into my pockets again. So you took out your security card. (Jake shakes his head) No, right? I brought me here. (winks)
AMIR: What was that?
BEN: That was a wink.
AMIR: You winked at Jake.
BEN: Yeah, because Jake brought me here.
JAKE: Come on
BEN: Listen, I'm the head of H.R., right? (Jake nods) And the reason I am here is to deal with your terrible, terrible smell.
AMIR: You look so familiar.
BEN: I don't think so.
AMIR: What is your? Sorry, I was still talking, what is your name?
BEN: My name? Is that what you want to know? (AMIR: Yeah.) Because I'm a totally different person that you've ever seen. My name is...Fm-mm...
FLASHBACK
JAKE: Most important rule when we're in there: If he asks you your name, don't hesitate.
BEN: I never hesitate, I'm amazing at thinking of new names.
JAKE: No, you're not that good.
BEN: I'm amazing, unique names.
JAKE: Alright, practice. What's your name?
BEN: My name is Qu-Qu-Crowlidit-Cowlideen? San.
JAKE: See, this is a good example of stuttering, making up a name.
BEN: Mmmm...
JAKE: This is not good, Ok, think of a name before we go in, that's all I'm saying.
BEN: I got one, I got one in my back pocket. I just memorized it.
JAKE: What is it?
BEN: My name?
JAKE: Yeah?
BEN: Se-Shannon-Shoonith?
JAKE: Then you didn't just memorize it, Ok, look, if you need to, just use the name, Jim. Ok?
BEN: Not gonna have to.
JAKE: Alright, but just in case you can't think of something-
BEN: Don't think of a just in case, I'll just use what I got.
JAKE: Alright, what's your name?
BEN: My name? Ask me what my name is.
JAKE: I just did. What is your name.
BEN: Ask me my name?
AMIR: I just did. I said, what's your name?
BEN: My name is... Shhhsscaal-
JAKE: Jim!
BEN: Nope. I know what my name is. My name is Scalby...Scalby-Lawfsoos.
AMIR: Scalby-Lawfsoos?
BEN: is my fist name, my last name is... Jim.
JAKE: Can we talk about what we came here to talk about?
BEN: Yeah, absolutely. Amir, you stink. Ugh, you stink.
AMIR: At what?
BEN: At just smelling bad.
AMIR: So I smell good?
BEN: Yuck, I messed that up. I messed that up. There's only one thing to do. (standing up) Jake, I'm going rogue.
FLASHBACK
JAKE: Ok, just promise me one thing. Don't go rogue.
BEN: I don't even know what that means, what does it mean to go rogue?
JAKE: That's good, don't worry about it. Just don't stray. Ok?
BEN: Hey, don't worry. This Joe won't be Rogen.
JAKE: That was bad.
BEN: Seth won't be Rogen.
JAKE: Even worse, Ok, just stay on topic, is what I'm saying.
JAKE: Don't go rogue!
BEN: It's too late, I'm roguein' right now.
JAKE: You said you didn't even know what it meant!
BEN: I said a lot of things, I ate all those Funyuns, I didn't throw them out. You ready? Take off your clothes.
JAKE: (Amir starts taking shirt off) Hey, hey, stop, look. If he blindly follows your instructions, just tell him to shower.
BEN: I can't do that, this is way smarter.
JAKE: (standing up) Ok, I'm gonna go.
BEN: No, don't go, this is the best part!
AMIR: Jake!
JAKE: (tries to turn handle) We're locked in.
BEN: (gasps)
AMIR: (gasps)
JAKE: (gasps)
AMIR: (pause, laughs)
BEN: Huh!
JAKE: Ugh.
AMIR: (farts)
BEN: (signature Ben Scwartz whale-laugh)
THE END