INTRO:
AMIR: (crying) Hey you're watching Jake and Amir
JAKE: Why are you crying?
AMIR: Because I'm sad!
[Jake is sitting on the couch filling out his bracket. Amir sits down next to him with his own bracket.]
AMIR: March Madness bracket? I don't know why you even bother filling it out because I plan on WINNING!...
JAKE: Ok, man...
AMIR: WINNING!...
JAKE: Enough with the Charlie Sheen stuff.
AMIR: Ooh, I'm thinking Gonzaga.. will be gonza-gone.. by the second round... insagone. (laughs; Jake doesn't react.) Nothing, huh? Trying to act cool in front of your friends?
JAKE: What friends?
AMIR: Me!
AMIR: Yeah, I'm on a drug; it's called.. Martin Sheen!
JAKE: At least get it right.
AMIR: Oh that's funny I went to Morehead State. As in, I got more head.. than an entire state! (laughs)
JAKE: Where did you go to school?
AMIR: I took an online course, once, at one college, and I'm a hero... (holds his arms with his palms upward and makes a something doesn't add up face)
JAKE: No...--
AMIR: For what?
JAKE: You're not.
AMIR: I'm not.
AMIR: Yu-kon..'t believe who I have coming out of this Huskies region! Hehe. You-con't believe--
JAKE: Don't force it.
AMIR: I always force it!
JAKE: I know!
AMIR: (starting to cry) But I get there, and it's earned!
JAKE: Don't cry!..
AMIR: Hey, I'm gonna go out on a limb... and finish the rest of this bracket.. in a tree! (makes a climbing motion with his hands)
JAKE: Why do you tell jokes?
AMIR: So the doctor says that I can't fart, you see it's just constantly o-- the gas is just always seeping out, it's like.. a constant flow of it.
AMIR: You know there's never been a perfect bracket?
JAKE: I did know that.
AMIR: But I think your bracket is perfect always.
JAKE: Thank you.
AMIR: Look at me!
JAKE: I said thank you!
[Amir is leaning back with his hands behind his head.]
JAKE: I can't tell if you're actually sad or if you're trying to think of another joke.
AMIR: I'm gonna fill the rest of my bracket out in a tree, alright, how's that for another joke?
AMIR: Cincinnati? More like Cincinnasty! (plugs his noze and waves his hand in front of his face as if to clear a bad smell) PU, you guys! (laughs)
JAKE: Why do you have them in your final four?
AMIR: Because nasty.. is- means good, so.
JAKE: You said PU and plugged your nose.
AMIR: (plugging his nose and waving his hand again) Yeah.. because- Oh, that's cuz I smell.
JAKE: Hey, maybe don't submit a bracket this year. Just because every single year you--
AMIR: Why would I not submit a bracket this year?
JAKE: I'm in the middle of telling you!
AMIR: Whoah...---
JAKE: Every year, you call the organizer the night before the finals and you threaten to sue them for gambling if they don't give you your five dollars back.
AMIR: Who pissed in your toilets?
(Amir touches Jake's leg.)
JAKE: (quietly) Don't touch my leg.
AMIR: (quietly, touching Jake's leg again) Ohkee--
JAKE: Don't touch-- (smacking Amir's forehead) No. No!
AMIR: Aand.. done. (laughs) I think it's called March Madness because if I'm not winning, it's madness. (laughs)
JAKE: Nope.
AMIR: (mocking Jake) Nope. Nope. Wow. Yugh, you're suck an idiot! How 'bout trying to laugh with me for once? You're constantly doing stuff like Wow, Oh, you're so stupid. Huh? That's not very constructive! You're just tearing me down! How 'bout laughing with me! That's more fun! Cuz you know what, at the end of the day, I'm saying a lot of stupid stuff, but I'm smiling, I'm having a good time, and you're not; you're miserable. Congratulations, you're taking the easy route.
JAKE: Ok, I'm sorry.
AMIR: I was kidding, ya frickin' loser! (laughs)
END.