Intro
A: Yo, this is my love song, and it goes like -
J: [interrupting] No more rap intros.
A: Fine...
[Jake is working at his desk, while Amir squints and stares at him]
A: Hey, thanks ASIAN for the invite last night! [put hands together and bows]
J: That's really offensive.
A: I just really needed to get out of the house, so I appreciate it.
J: Okay, well I'm still pretty pissed at you about last night.
A: [confused] ...Is this like an inside joke based on something that happened, because I'm sorry, I was a little bit gone.
J: You were ENTIRELY gone, okay? You showed up three hours late and you were begging to the point of tears to change the locashe.
A: Yeah, I say a LOT of funny things.
J: It wasn't funny. You openly wept for a venue change for my friend's birthday party at her apartment to a quote college dive around the corner from this shithole.
A: I thought the party needed a new energy, okay?! [starts waving his hands and dancing] Sometimes nights are about what kind of energy you're able to infuse -
J: [interrupting] Right, no, no, no, I get that, but the party had a fine energy, right? They were lighting the birthday candles and then you blew them all out and you said Happy birthday to pee! and then you whipped out your penis and tried to urinate on the cake - but couldn't -
A: [interrupting, irritated/defensive] I had just drained the main vein...like 25 seconds earlier.
J: Okay, I'm not upset that you couldn't pee, I'm upset that you tried. Then you ran outside and a few of us followed you because you yelled I'm gonna go outside and legit hurt myself to teach you all a fucking lesson.
A: A lot of the girls last night were slumpbusters, can we talk about THAT for a second?
J: Not right now, okay? Once we were outside you asked my friend if she dared you to headbutt the windshield of a car until it broke. When she said no, you took off in a dead sprint and said You owe me five bucks, you sasquatch! and then you lowered your head and ran full speed into the bumper of a truck.
[one cut during Jake's speech of Amir bobbing his head]
A: That reminds me; that slumpbusting sasquatch owes me a five-spot. An Abe Lincolner.
J: We heard a DEAFENING crack - like a log being broken over a rock - and you fell completely motionless to the ground. We thought you had broke your neck.
A: [trying to imitate Mike Posner] You probably think, you think you're cooler than me.
[Jake glares at Amir, who blinks slowly]
J: ...your legs didn't work anymore after that, so you started scooting down the street on your butt, screaming I'm Lieutenant Dan! See if you can keep up with me, ya GUMPS!, but you were moving like, 2 inches every minute.
A: [shaking his head] ...no...
J: Yes, okay?! Is this the first time you're getting a little embarrassed?
[cut to Amir still shaking his head, then back to Jake]
J: Okay, I'm gonna keep on going...Okay, you whipped out your penis ONE more time; you said, follow my trail of pee to victory, but once again, you could not produce any urine -
A: [angry] I HAD JUST DRAINED -
J: [interrupting] The main vein. No, I remember that. Do you remember the skateboarder that rode by? He saw your penis and laughed at you?
A: [squints and scratches his chin, then looks at Jake] ...Vaguely?
J: You started crying? You said, Let's see your guido dick! I have a big penis and you have a string beanis!
A: [rubbing his fingers on his temple] I'm sorry, is there a point to this story?
J: You asked me why I was mad.
A: [angry] Why don't you ask me why I'M mad, okay?! You take me to a slumpbuster festival, I haven't gotten any in like weeks - I'm on a 2-month dry spell - and EVERYBODY is outta my league.
J: [confused] You just said it was a slumpbuster festival, now they're out of your league?
A: THEY'RE BOTH, OKAY. I'm a 1, and they're 3s!!
J: Just stop for one second and listen to me.
A: [leans back, fumbling, unbuckles his belt and pants] No, you stop and listen to PEE.
[Amir attempts to pee, Jake starts to look away, but looks back]
J: ...Nothing.
A: [leans forward] I just drained the main vein like a DAY ago. On a CAKE, lest you forget.
END