[Introduction]
Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: No, I'm recording intros.
Jake: Leave, man.
[Jake and Amir at their desks]
Amir (listening to his headphones): laughing Right in the kisser.
Jake: Hey, um...
Amir (Talking to his headphones): Hold on one second... What?
Jake: a lot of people have been complaining to me.
Amir: And you believe them?!
Jake: I haven't said what it is yet.
Amir: Okay, I set up a spy cam in the women's restroom. Sue me.
Jake: Wow. They might.
Amir: Okay, then I'll countersue. How's that? Two sues for the price of one.
Jake: It's about your stench.
Amir: Or lack thereof. laugh
Jake: No, not a lack thereof, exactly what I said. Okay? You reek of shit.
Amir: Jealous much?
Jake: I'm not jealous. Look, this isn't going away, alright? You smell like you're dead.
Amir: I'll apologize, but I'm not gonna shower.
Jake: That's not good enough, then. We all want the exact opposite.
Amir: I said I was sorry!
Jake: First of all you didn't, second of all we don't want your apology, we want you to take a shower.
Amir: Okay, this is catching me way off guard.
Jake: Is it really? Because last week a bunch of people chased you with a hose and soap.
Amir: I thought that was a goof!
Jake: Why would that be a goof? You whispered something to Sarah and she got an ear infection.
Amir: Alright, you think I give a flaming fart what people say, man?
(Amir pulls his legs up and grabs a lighter)
Jake: I know you don't. Don't do that.
(Amir lights a flame, starts to fart, and leak shit through his khakis as he moans)
Amir: Oh, no! Oh, anyhoot!
Jake: No! No! Not anyhoot, okay? You have to go change your pants now.
Amir: Why, 'cause I farted? Wow. It was a toot. An SBD, so NBD, on NBC (to the NBC chime) laughs
Jake: You leaked shit into your khakis.
Amir: Yeah, ever heard of I'll clean it after work? So shut up.
Jake: No. I haven't ever heard of (starts yelling) sharting your pants, with wet diarrhea, and then waiting a full five hours to clean it up, okay? That is the first time I've ever heard of that.
Amir: Losers wipe, okay? Winners go home and f*** the prom queen.
Jake: You're not gonna f*** anybody. It looks like you sat on a water balloon filled with chili.
Amir: Okay, you think I give a flaming fart-
(Amir kicks up his legs again)
Jake: Oh my god, it smells like gasoline and fish.