INTRO
AMIR: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
JAKE: 38 takes but we got there.
AMIR: Well make it 39, bitch!
(Amir is typing rapidly on beeping computer)
AMIR: (holding beeper) Aw, sheesh! Hey, listen. Can I borrow your phone? I just got beeped.
JAKE: You have a phone.
AMIR: Upgraded it. Alright, I'm living in beepersville now. (kisses beeper) Oh! That's cherry.
JAKE: That's not an upgrade.
AMIR: Alright, ya Steve Jobs f*cker, sorry it's not a frickin' iPad Nano, just give me your phone, I gotta call someone back.
JAKE: Use your desk phone!
AMIR: I gotta call this number back 'cause it says 9-1-1 at the end of it which means emergency, okay, and if I don't get back to it soon then it's gonna beep me again anyway!
JAKE: (passing his phone) Alright, just don't cry! (simultaneously) God, here.
AMIR: (simultaneously) I just need something.
JAKE: You cry to get your way like a four-year-old, that's so pathetic. That is ridiculous.
AMIR: (on phone) Yellow? Yes, the doctor speaking. Alright, this is what you need to do, uh, I'm thinking 20 CC's of dialysis administered vaginally. Which is- yeah. No, I- uh- nurse. (chuckling) I'm sorry, I went to medical school. Alright, I get paid the big bucks to make the boo-boos go away. So, (chuckles). Talk back again and we'll make it 40 CC's. Alright, make that 60. Great. Alright, 80 CC's, keep talking. Thank you. Alright, bye, 100 CC's. (hangs up)
JAKE: Where did you get that beeper?
AMIR: I didn't get it. Ok, I ganked it.
JAKE: That's still getting it.
AMIR: Why, where did you gank yours? Radio shack? You know I'm surprised that you can even talk to me right now with Steve Jobs' balls in your mouth.
JAKE: You're being really crass today. How did you get a beeper from a doctor's office?
AMIR: Bachelor party last weekend. Yeah, my friend from high school, Marty's getting married so you know I came to play. (laughs) First step is a nice, little brunch with his family and I'm already a little buzzed after three Four Lokos and a shot of schnapps, some bozo jokingly dares me to bite into a glass of orange juice. (laughs) Before he even gets to the just kidding I am tooth-deep in the thing. I'm not an idiot, okay, so I think the thing's gonna crack but my eyes widen with fear when the bitch explodes in my mouth. I'm talking razor-sharp glass shards just cutting my mouth up from uvula to incisor, there was blood everywhere. Alright, next thing I know I'm in the back of Donnie's Camaro, he's the best man, and people are just begging me not to fall asleep. I'm laughing maniacally, my face is like a blood-sprinkler, the red liquid's just shooting everywhere, getting on the interior and stuff. To make matters worse I wasn't even invited to the frickin' thing. So I start passing out, you know, Nature's Promise and all.
JAKE: That's a butter company.
AMIR: I wake up in post-op four hours later and I needed 31 stitches to close me shut, nurse is livid, just crying in the corner because I've been shitting myself nonstop which sounds standard, but it's not.
JAKE: Doesn't sound standard.
AMIR: They choose this golden moment to give me a hospital bill. Uh-oh, daddy doesn't have health insurance. So I book it, alright. Cut to interior, hospital, day, later, I am barreling skull-first into a doctor, right into his chest, and he gets plowed to the floor. Medical equipment everywhere, alright. The beeper falls onto the ground and I just jump on it like a Nazi taking a grenade for his German cohorts. He looks passed out, but I'm not gonna take that risk, okay, so I shove the beeper three inches into my butt and I just take off in a dead sprint due north, remember that direction 'cause it's gonna come in handy later. I'm three towns over before I even realize nobody's chasing me and at that point I'm thanking God because my groin is torn to shreds.
JAKE: So that beeper was in your butt?
AMIR: For 14 miles. And the bitch still works. (winks)
THE END