Amir: Hey you're watching Jake and Amir, unless it's open like behind the browser then it's like you're just listening--
Jake: I'm doing the next one.
Amir: Okay.
(Amir is standing at a kitchen counter, with a pile of food all over it.
Amir (singing): Accept my poke, that's it. Then poke me back. Game Over...
(Jake walks in)
Jake: What are you doing?
Amir: You scared me man! Dinner is a-swerved.
Jake: How did you get into my apartment?
Amir: Sorry, served not swerved.
Jake: Look. How did you get in here?
Amir: Obviously dinner's not gonna be swerved--
Jake: How did you get in?!
Amir (holds up keys): Oh!
Jake: Those aren't my keys.
Amir: I know, I just sort of put them in between my knuckles and punched through the window, shattering it. Then entering through the shattered window hole.
Jake: Got it. I can see that.
Amir: So, anyway, take a seat. Dinner will be out momentarily.
Jake: What did you cook.
Amir: Didn't have to. Ordered Thai instead.
Jake: You ordered-- So why's my kitchen such a mess?
Amir: You're gonna laugh when you hear this. I tried to make a 100-layer vegan lasagna. What? Who does that?
I built it up too much man, you would've been dying. Anyway I got frustrated, a little bit pissed, and I started messing things up.
Jake: Why'd you get pissed?
Amir: You're gonna laugh when I tell you this.
Jake: Look, trust me, I'm not going to laugh when you tell me anything. You've destroyed my kitchen.
Amir: I got angry, okay, I lost it for half a second, but! it'll all be worth it when that hundo-layer veg las comes out of the oven.
Jake: I thought you said you didn't make it.
Amir: You're right. Damn it, you're right! I suck!
Jake: Chill out, chill out, okay. You don't suck.
Amir: I do, I messed everything up. And now the Thai food's here. And I don't even have money to pay for it.
Jake: Why didn't you bring money?
Amir: Because I didn't think to because I'm such an idiot! Because I'm such a loser!
Jake: It's fine, chill out. I'll pay for it, you can owe me.
Amir: That's even worse, okay! I don't even want to owe you anything!
Jake: I was just saying it so you wouldn't feel like you were taking a handout.
Amir: I appreciate that, but, y'know, I don't want to owe you anything, ever! Like I don't even want to pay you off eventually, at this point I'd rather open the door, take the Thai food, spin him around, kick him in the small of the back and lock him out!
Jake: Okay just chill out, I'll pay for it, you don't owe me, it's fine.
Amir (sending text): got this blond bimbo wrapped around--
Jake: Got the Thai.
Amir: Got the Thai, good.
Jake: Did you mean to send me this text message? got this blond bimbo wrapped around my finger. another free dinner down the gizzard because I own house at fake crying?
Amir: I've been thinking about it and I want to go Dutch on the Thai.
You gotta spot me my half though man. You gotta go Double Dutch for me. Can you do that for me bimbo?