INTRO:
AMIR: (trying to do the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" theme) In west Philadelphia two best friends hanging out and have fun-
JAKE: Stop! Stop.
(Amir is sitting at his desk. Jake walks in with his younger cousin, Madeiline.)
JAKE: (to Madeleine) Alright, and this is my desk. Pretty fun, right?
AMIR: Haha, pretty fun right? (sternly) Introduce me!
JAKE: Alright, Amir this is my cousin Madeleine.
AMIR: Oooo, somebody's gonna get their period soon!
JAKE: Hey! Hey! Don't say stuff like that!
MADELEINE: I already had my period.
AMIR: It's nothing you should be ashamed of. That's all I'm gonna say.
JAKE: Okay, she's not ashamed.
AMIR: She should be, a little, but...
JAKE: (to Amir) Okay, you just said she shouldn't be. (to Madeleine) Madeleine, it's perfectly natural.
AMIR: I- I'd be ashamed.
JAKE: Oh my God! You should be ashamed.
MADELEINE: I got it when I was twelve. It's not a big deal.
AMIR: That's early, that's way early!
MADELEINE: No it's not.
AMIR: Who told you it wasn't?
MADELEINE: My mom.
AMIR: She's a lying bitch! Jake?
JAKE: Dude, that's my aunt! You can't say stuff like this!
AMIR: Do you not want me to be real? Okay, I'm a lot of things, but you can't say that I'm not honest.
JAKE: Yes I can. You just told her she had nothing to be ashamed of, then you went off on this rant.
AMIR: I can apologize for being mean, but I'm not gonna mean it.
MADELEINE: You're a loser.
AMIR: You're- Okay, Jake? Whose side are you gonna take, man?
JAKE: Hers.
(Amir scoffs.)
AMIR: You know, it was unfair of me to ask you this early in the game; take the weekend to think about it.
MADELEINE: You're dumb.
AMIR: (to Jake) Choose me, please. Please choose me. I have- she's cutting me deep and I need to hear that I have a friend right now.
(Madeleine makes a face at Amir. Amir makes the same face back at Madeleine, which Jake sees.)
JAKE: (to Amir) Will you please grow up?!
AMIR: Shuh-! She did it first, that stupid bitch!
JAKE: Wow! Alright, we are gonna go. We have Christmas shopping to do.
AMIR: Ooo, what's the matter? Santa Claus not workin' this year? Oh yeah, I forgot: he doesn't exist.
MADELEINE: I knew that already.
AMIR: What? I was bluffing. Jake. Jake!
JAKE: (to Amir) He's real! He's real.
AMIR: (to Madeleine) Shouldn't-- Shouldn't say that, you're not gonna get any toys.
END.