INTRO:
AMIR: Haayyyyyy
JAKE: Hurry.
AMIR: Well, let's take our time FOR ONCE, because--
[Amir, Pat, Sarah, and Jake are sitting at a table eating lunch.]
SARAH: (to Pat) Man, I can't believe you like the meatballs at Ikea; that stuff's like Swedish prison food!
PAT: Hey, let's ask Julian Assange in a few years, that traitor will be begging for meatballs, at that point!
(Sarah and Jake laugh)
JAKE: That's good, that's very good.
AMIR: That's good, that's very good; can I tell that at my French lesson tonight?
SARAH: Oh, I didn't know you took French! That's good!
JAKE: (to Sarah) Wuwuwuwait a second, (to Amir) you don't know why that joke is funny.
AMIR: (leans in) ...Yes I do.
JAKE: Why?
AMIR: Cuz you guys laughed at it.
JAKE: B-b-but why were we laughing?
AMIR: B-b-because it was funny!
JAKE: You're an idiot. (Takes a bite of food.) You can't even have regular political banter with us (with his mouth full).
AMIR: Well then explain it to me!
JAKE: You're beyond hope, dude, you're beyond that.
SARAH: Jake, c'mon, just explain it to him.
JAKE: You wanna do it? Good luck.
AMIR: Haha, who's Julian Assange?
JAKE: Right off the bat he doesn't even know who this chick is.
PAT: Chick?
JAKE: Guy. He doesn't know who the guy is. You can't just, learn who people are.
AMIR: Yeah you can, you just learn who people are, you learn--
JAKE: Here's a tip. Here's a little tip for you right now. Teach a man to fish, right? You don't know who someone is? Take our your phone, type his name into Google. Julius Assand, right? My phone doesn't have service right now, but if it did, I'd be able to tell you who he is, in two seconds.
AMIR: You don't know who he is, do you?
JAKE: (laughing) He thinks I don't know who Julian Assand is!
PAT: I don't think you know who he is either.
JAKE: Wow, I always knew you were stupid, but I didn't know you were dumb, too.
AMIR: HAHAHAHA--
JAKE: I know who Mickey Mantle is. Number seven. The New York Yankees. How's that for stupid?
SARAH: Yeah but who's Julian Assange?
JAKE: Born Mickey Charles Mantle. That's something you don't learn on Google.
PAT: Yes you do.
JAKE: Good lunch, everybody. I'm gonna go. Pat, you get joke of the lunch with the Julian Assand thing, which a low five from me. (offers a low five, then retracts it immediately) Too slow! I get runner-up, second-best joke of lunch with the too slow thing, looks like I'm too school for school (laughs); sorry just kidding, too COOL for school, not a mess-up because I caught it first. Once again y'all are too slow and once again Julian Assand can-- (pelvic thrusts) ah!ah! --eat a penis pie 'til the day he die. This has been a Jake Hurwitz production, a.k.a.: I'M OUT!
(Jake gets up from the table, and awkward silence ensues.)
PAT: That was weird.
SARAH: Yeah--
AMIR: (to Pat) That wasn't weird! That was funny! YOUR joke was weird!
SARAH: Anyway, Amir, Julian Assange is the founder of Wikileaks, this website, and he recently got arrested for sexual assault on a Swedish warrant, so. It's kinda like an international--
(Jake comes back to the table.)
JAKE: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot all my food, but if you guys are still talking about Julian Assange, he's the frickin founder of Wikileaks!
AMIR: What's Wikileaks?
JAKE: You gotta learn how to be funny, man. I'll tell you.. I'll tell you exactly what Wikileaks is, right now, if you can catch my low five.
(Jake offers out his hand like before, and Amir slaps it before Jake retracts his hand.)
JAKE: Too slow!
AMIR: I touched it!
JAKE: Ya knicked it!
AMIR: I slapped it!--
JAKE: (desperate) You KNICKED it!
END.