[Introduction]
Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake Amir.
Amir: Hey, starting when?
Jake: Now.
Amir: So say that!
[Jake is sitting on the toilet, playing Angry Birds]
Jake: Take that, pig f***er.
Amir (knocking on the stall door): Hey!
Jake: Someone's in here.
Amir: Jake! Jake!
Jake: Yeah, I'm in here.
Amir: Where are you?
Jake: In the- Where are you? Right? You're in the bathroom. So, where am I? In the bathroom.
Amir: Okay, you just left your desk two minutes ago and you didn't say anything.
Jake: I said I'd be right back!
Amir: sighs What does that mean?
Jake: It means I'll be right back and not to follow me to the bathroom.
Amir: Okay, should I chill out here, or you want me to wait for you?
Jake: Just chi- Okay, I see what you did. Neither. Alright? Just go away.
Amir: Hey! Let me in, okay? Somebody's coming.
Jake: No.
(Amir scoffs. coworker enters the bathroom)
Amir (in a Boston accent): Hey! Get outta here! Nobody's takin' a poop here! Mind your own bees!
(Coworker leaves)
Jake: Hey, whoever that is, don't worry, you can go to the bathroom. It's fine.
Amir: He already left.
Jake: Come on man. We have to work here, right?
Amir: How much longer do you have in there?
Jake: I don't know, alright? I can't exactly go to the bathroom with you here talking to me.
Amir: Fine, fine. I'll stay, but I won't say anything.
Jake: That makes no sense, but fine.
(Brief silence broken by Amir making a high pitched noise.)
Amir: Hey, I read on Yahoo News that laptops are cooking people's-
Jake (interrupting Amir): Hey man, you just said you weren't gonna say anything.
Amir: Alright, fine, okay? Keep it mum, alright? Mum's the word.
Jake: Thank you.
Amir (To the tune of War by Edwin Starr): Mum! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!
(Amir kicks in the stall door and falls to the floor)
Jake: Jesus Christ, man! What is wrong with you?
Amir: Me? You said no talking! That was a kick!
Jake: Yeah, you were singing!
Amir: Oh my god! Singing isn't talking.
Jake: Yes it is!
Amir: Why do I- Why do I bother? Why do I bother if you're just not gonna like it?
[After College Humor logo, Amir is still on he floor in front of the stall.]
Amir: It just doesn't- I don't buy it man. I'm sorry, it doesn't make sense. Why would I- Why would I do this? Like, it doesn't- It doesn't help. You don't like me. It just drives you away even more, and then mumble in the bathroom? That's so- it's cold, man. This is a waste of time.