INTRO- AMIR: Jake and Amir. You're watching it. Us. Our video.
JAKE: Do you need a script?
AMIR: Yes.
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INT: CollegeHumor Office
(Amir enters in Dorothy dress with fireman helmet on)
AMIR: Ugh! Long day (sits at desk) and it's just getting started.
JAKE: No. It's 5:30.
AMIR: Well, it's gotta be 5:30 somewhere.
JAKE: It is. Here.
AMIR: Just sendin' out my minions soon to do (said in Amir's classic nasal voice) the dirty work. (In his normal voice) Sendin' out my minions to do the-
AMIR AND JAKE: dirty work.
JAKE: Got it. I actually don't want you to explain anything else because I do not want to be involved in whatever you-
AMIR: 300 kids in 213 neighborhoods. All over the city. Plus! A little upstate New York. I even got one in Allentown, PA workin' for me! Dude's a little shit though. Met him on Facebook.
JAKE: How'd you meet the other ones?
AMIR: Facebook. But they all weren't little shits about it.
JAKE: Got it.
AMIR: Jake. These kids are bringin' home 2 pillow cases full of candy, min. I skim 10% off the top and pay them double face for each piece. (Laugh)
JAKE: So you're paying them?
AMIR: Oh, out of the nose man. I'm like Willy Wonka, baby. Chomp Chomp, bitch.
JAKE: Willy Wonka never said that. Why would you pay them for candy bars?
AMIR: Dude it's ridiculous. I ended up owing a kid over $800 last year for a frickin' York Peppermint Patty. I don't know.
JAKE: How is that two times face?
AMIR: That one got away from me. I'll admit it. It was a slippery slope there, so.
JAKE: Okay, well you know that: A) You can buy your own candy at the store and B-
AMIR: All right. Stop right there! Okay, because I'm not doing this for the candy, all right.
JAKE: So why are you paying kids literally hundreds of dollars-
AMIR: Thousands of dollars.
JAKE: Thousands of dollars!
AMIR: Can you just shut up one second?! I'm on Facebook Chat with this little twerp from Allentown. Now he's telling me that I have to pay for my own train ticket out there. Okay, so, how do I get back? Do I ask his dad for a ride? Clearly not because his dad's already pissed at me for talking to the 13-year-old while he's at school.
JAKE: Why are you wearing a dress?
AMIR: Okay, all right, all right. How long have you been sitting on that question, Hurwitz? What else?
JAKE: I'm serious. It's Thursday, it's not Halloween. There's no Halloween-
AMIR: Laundry Day. Okay?
JAKE: So you had no other clean clothes?
AMIR: No! What? No! Laundry Day is when I steal shit from Laundromats. You think I bought this dress? No! I'm like Willy Freakin' Wonka.
JAKE: You don't know who Willy Wonka is.
AMIR: Chomp. Chomp.
JAKE: Who's washing a fireman's helmet?
AMIR: You gotta promise not to tell on me, man.
THE END