INTRO:
JAKE: Hey you're watching Ja--
AMIR: Please please please tell me where you bought those jeans.
JAKE: Why now?
AMIR: Why not?
[Jake is playing ping pong with another CollegeHumor employee. Jake scores a point, winning the game.]
JAKE: Game, set, SNATCH! That's what you are, man, get out- don't-- hey, bow to me, bow- c'mon, hey!
(Amir walks up to the table)
AMIR: Hey lemme play!
JAKE: No.. way. I'm not playing you on account of you suck and I don't wanna play you.
AMIR: Come on!
JAKE: Fine. Let's go, you serve first.
(Amir serves, Jake misses the ball and goes to retrieve it.)
JAKE: Aight, your serve then.
AMIR: I just served!
JAKE: Yeah well we rally for serve! (He tosses the ball to Amir.) NOW it's your serve.
(Amir serves the ball, and Jake hits it off the table.)
JAKE: Aight I was NOT ready, I was talking, I was in the middle of a f***ing sentence. (Amir looks at him with an open mouth.) I'm ready. Go.
(Amir serves the ball, and Jake hits it past the edge of the table, so Amir catches it.)
JAKE: DEah- euw- my point! My point! You caught it!
AMIR: It was long!
JAKE: Yeah you hit it, that's my point!
AMIR: So if I hit it into your body then that's my point.--
JAKE: Yes. It's how ping pong works, it's called listening.. 101.
(AMIR slams the ball right at Jake.)
JAKE: Aight. eouh. 2-0, me.
AMIR: Why?
JAKE: (tossing the ball back to Amir) Cuz it wasn't a legal serve! If you don't know how to serve, then don't play the game!
AMIR: Fine. (He serves the ball, Jake returns it, then Amir slams it into Jake.)
JAKE: (dodging the ball) Ow, my point! 3-0.
AMIR: It hit you!
JAKE: Ok it grazed me!
AMIR: You said ow.
JAKE: 3-0. Gimme the ball. My serve.
AMIR: You gave me the ball.
JAKE: Well give it back!
(Amir tosses it back to Jake.)
JAKE: Bad throw! (He leans over to pick up the ball and smashes his forehead on the table.) OW! AHW, you're an anus. But, uh, sneak attack! (He serves the ball and it goes off the end of the table.)
AMIR: Hey! Ok. (He retrieves the ball.)
JAKE: Aight. Give it up.
AMIR: But you just-- it- you just served it--
JAKE: It was a joke. I was kidding. Give it-- Alright. 4-0. That's.. counts now. 5-0, 5-0, not-getting-the-joke penalty. Sorry Sally Jessica Raphael, that one's lost on ya. Here it is! (He serves the ball.)
AMIR: (Returning Jake's serve) Sally Jessica Raphael...
(Jake and Amir rally back and forth, then Amir scores a point.)
JAKE: (Retrieving the ball.) Alright, crossed the table but I'll give it to you.
AMIR: Wait what do you mean crossed the- like th--
JAKE: Doesn't matter what I mean, cuz I said I'd give it to you, didn't I? You need to learn how to be funny, man, I'm sorry, you need to learn how to be funny. Six-nil, you get one point for being a bitch, this one's for the skunk though.
AMIR: The skunk?
JAKE: Skunk! It's an 11-1 game, but hey if you don't know that, brotha, YA ALREADY SKUNKED! LATA! (He serves it into the net.
) F***! (He throws his paddle in frustration, and a cry of pain is heard from off screen.)
END.
OUTRO:
JAKE: (To the off-screen person) I feel bad, but I'm not gonna feel that bad cuz I smashed my face on the table before, alright. (Picking up a paddle from the ground) And trust me, that one hurt me more than it hurts you! Ok? (To Amir) Ah, this is gonna reserve for the skunk. Here we go! (He serves it, presumably off the table) Alright, I was talking--