[Jake is sitting on a couch working on his laptop, when Amir comes in and tries to sit between him and the armrest.*]
JAKE: What are you doing? Sit there! Amir! Sit there! We have an entire couch, and I'm not gonna move because I was—
[Jake has moved.]
AMIR: (giving Jake some papers) Hey can you help a cousin out with his resume?
JAKE: Wow, actually, yes, absolutely. Are you looking for another job?
AMIR: Something like that.
JAKE: Alright, right off the bat, you've used a sample resume I'm guessing, because your name is Will B. Hired.
AMIR: You caught that.
JAKE: Yes, I did. And your email address is put@emailaddress.here.
AMIR: Okay, can we please just focus on what matters?
JAKE: Objective, wow. Why don't you read this out loud and tell me if it's what you want to send to a prospective employer.
AMIR: Money = pussy. No.
AMIR: You want a hurtsdangit?
JAKE: What?
(Amir punches Jake in the arm.)
AMIR: Hurts!
(Jake punches back.)
AMIR: Dang it!
JAKE: Under Experiences you just wrote When something happens to you; that's just defining it.
AMIR: Mhm. Did I get it right, though?
JAKE: It doesn't matter.
AMIR: That's a yes.
JAKE: Under Skills you wrote dunking.
AMIR: Mhm. A basketball.
JAKE: Yeah, no, I know, but you can't do that.
AMIR: Yeah, did I specify how tall the hoop was?
JAKE: You did, you said 10 feet.
AMIR: Okay so delete it. It's not rocket sockets.
JAKE: I know but it's still--
AMIR: Just get out of my life!
JAKE: Yeah, this, like, all this, where you listed every school, even the ones you went to when you were a baby, that's just un--(glances at Amir) are you asleep? Are you asleep?
AMIR: Hnh? Yeah! No.
JAKE: Proficient at Microsoft Word, right? You said you can write 500 words a minute?
AMIR: Mhm. But, did I specify what kind of words?
JAKE: You did; you're always specifying for some reason. You wrote nonsense words, and a winking emoticon.
JAKE: Activities, you wrote none, which is honest, but it's probably a bad move.
AMIR: Yeah, well, I didn't wanna lie.
JAKE: Yeah but then there's a comma and you wrote music.
AMIR: Right, well you gotta sweeten the deal a little bit. Right? You gotta tickle the generals. (The sound of Amir cackling is overdubbed)
JAKE: Still, I feel like--
AMIR: --a little bit. So, just stop focusing on that one line. I feel like you're harping so much on that one specific. The rest of the resume is gibberish, I got a cyst on my neck that doctors don't even know how to drain yet, bec--
JAKE: Special Skills: playing DVDs.
AMIR: Mhm. Just pop in, press play, and enjoy--
JAKE: Enjoy the ride. Yep, you wrote that. You also wrote, If it skips, cry till it's fixed.
AMIR: It rhymes.
JAKE: It doesn't.
AMIR: (showing Jake his cyst.) Feel this. And you're worried about--
JAKE: Oh! God.
AMIR: If people can even talk about my music? Who cares about music!
JAKE: For Extracurriculars you have My cousin owns a laser tag; that's not really relevant.
AMIR: Yes it is, this is his resume.
JAKE: So you're not looking for a new job?
AMIR: No, I'm not- why would I look for a new job? I got the best coworkers in the world! (He tickles Jake, who resists.)