[Introduction]
Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake's phone number.
Jake: What are you talking about?
Amir: I'm talking about 2031-
Jake (interrupting Amir): Okay! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
[Jake is sitting at a table in front of a rolling video camera]
Jake: Hi Mom, happy mother's day. I'm sorry I couldn't come home. But- But I'm gonna make you this video card, and I wrote and acrostic poem for you. Here it is: Laura. L is for your long hair-
(Amir interrupts by sitting next to Jake and singing)
Amir: L is for the way you look-
Jake: What are you doing?
Amir: at me!
Jake: What are you doing?!
Amir: O- What do you mean what am I doing, isn't it obvious? I'm showing you up.
Jake: How?
Amir: It's- It's a song. Which is like poetry, except it's not gay, 'cause you sing it.
Jake: Poetry's not gay.
Amir (singing): Isn't it ga-
Jake (interrupting): It's not.
Amir: Kay, so...
Jake: A is for your arms, young and strong.
(Amir laughs)
Jake: What?
Amir: That was bad. (laughs)
Jake: What would you have said?
Amir: Aura.
[Jump cut]
Jake: A is for aura. Young and strong. U is for umbrella-
Amir (interrupts, laughing): Wow, umbrella?
Jake: Come on.
Amir: U should be for uninspired, or unapologetically underwhelming. YOU should go back to poetry school.
Jake: Don't just insult me, alright? God! It's easy to say un-this or un-that, but theres no un that's a positive that I could use in the video.
Amir: What about...
[Jump cut]
Jake: U is for unyielding, in your unrelating love.
Amir: unrelenting.
Jake: What?
Amir: Unrelenting.
Jake: Unre- I said that, you f***!
[Jump cut]
Jake: U is for unyielding, in your unrelenting love. And R is for... Just tell me what you have here, I hate mine.
(Amir looks at the page, laughs and spits all over Jake)
Jake: Oh! You spit all over me! Shu- Shut up. This is a rough draft.
Amir (still laughing): Still. Rigatoni?
Jake: It's a pasta she used to make.
Amir: Really?
Jake: Spaghetti, but that doesn't start with an R, alright?
Amir: Yeah, that's close enough. I'm sure she'd appreciate that.
[Jump cut]
Jake: R is for raising me. A gift that you continued to give me throughout my childhood. A is for arms-
Amir: Again.
Jake: Yup.
Amir: Arms again...
Jake: She has two, right? Does she have two arms? How many arms does she have?
Amir: I think she has two, but-
Jake: Okay.
(Jake and Amir banter and mumble to each other)
Amir: Go for it then.
Jake: I am gonna go for it.
Amir: Because it's gonna be good when you say it twice.
Jake: I will.
(more banter)
Amir: Yeah, I'm sure she loves you whether you say arms twice.
[Jump cut]
Jake: A is for appreciation, which I owe you eternally. Happy mother's day.
Amir: Jake also got you a gift card for $100 to a spa.
Jake: I didn't do that, so don't-
Amir (Shows Jake a gift certificate): Yes, you did.
Jake (grabbing the card from Amir): I did! Yes I did. Alright, love you mom.
(Jake turns off the recording)
Amir: So...
Jake: This is great. Thanks, man.
Amir: No probs.
Jake: What did you get your mom?
Amir: I didn't get her anything, because mother's day is a Hallmark holiday. So...
Jake: Wow... Didn't you say it's also her birthday?
Amir: It is also her birthday, yes.
Jake: Okay...
Amir: Two Hallmark holidays for the price of one. Free! (laughs)
Jake: 'Cause why expend shit?
Amir: 'Cause I ain't spendin' anythin'! (tries to take the card away from Jake) Can I get that card back, actually, because it's also her anniversary-
Jake: Okay, no. Because you already gave it to me.
Amir: Well it already expired!