Jake and Amir: Private Eye (Part 1) - Starring Ben Schwartz
[INTRO]:
AMIR: Hi, you're watching the award winning Jake and Amir.
JAKE: What award?
AMIR: Great question: best supporting actress.
JAKE: Not true.
[VIDEO]:
(AMIR is walking through the office when BEN SCHWARTZ reaches out and pulls him aside into a room. AMIR gasps.)
BEN: OK, I did everything you asked me to do, alright, I found out all the information.
AMIR: Who are you?
BEN: I'm the private eye you hired.
AMIR: No - you don't look anything like him, I'm sorry.
(BEN unbuttons his third button)
AMIR: Oh! There you are. (Laughs loudly) I didn't recognise you with your shirt like that.
BEN: I'm a master diguise.
AMIR (Quickly): Alright, so what'd you find out?
BEN: OK, so you told me to follow Drake and find out all his likes and dislikes.
AMIR: Whoa, whoa - not his dislikes, OK? I'm not paying you for his dislikes.
(BEN grabs AMIR by the throat and pushes him against the wall.)
BEN (Yelling): YOU ARE PAYING ME FOR THE DISLIKES! OK? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?
(AMIR is making a choking sound throughout. He nods when BEN finishes talking. BEN lets go of AMIR)
BEN: Jeez christ, oh mayan, oh g-
AMIR (Hurt): Aah.
BEN: Hey - if you refer me to one of your friends just to remind you don't bring up that I choked you.
AMIR: I might not be able to refer you because you do choke pe-
(BEN grabs AMIR by the crotch and lifts him up in the air. AMIR is letting out a high pitched wail)
BEN (Yelling): YOU WILL REFER ME, RIGHT?
AMIR (High pitched): Yes, I'll refer you.
BEN (Yelling): AND YOU'RE GONNA BE MY FRIEND ON LINKEDIN
AMIR (High pitched): OK, I'll be your friend on LinkedIn.
BEN (Yelling): YOU'RE GONNA BE MY BEST FRIEND ON LINKEDIN.
AMIR (High pitched): I don't know if there's a setting for-
(BEN drops AMIR)
BEN (Quickly): Aah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just get fiery hot, I gotta take my medicine.
AMIR: No-
(BEN takes out a MMs box and pours the whole lot into his mouth)
AMIR: Oh my-
(BEN makes a funny sound as he swallows the MMs)
AMIR: Is that what you think the 'M' stands for?
BEN (Mouthfull, MMs fall out his mouth as he speaks): One of them, one of them stands for medicine, I don't know what the other stands for. Maybe Maybelline, (singing loudly) MAYBE IT'S MAYBELLINE.
(BEN comes close to AMIR to whisper)
BEN: By the way, when I was feeling around on your balls, right? (Whispering) You may have testicular cancer.
AMIR: Why?
BEN: Cause you have more balls than you need man.
AMIR: I have two balls, I have two balls and that's it. That's how many you're supposed to have. You're supposed to have two.
BEN (Whispering very quietly): Can you feel my balls?
(AMIR feels BEN's testicles)
AMIR: You have one.
BEN: Fuck.
(As he says this, coloured drool falls from BEN's mouth)
AMIR: ...Yeah... Anyway, do you have like a lis-
BEN: No, stop, ssh, we can't talk about anything else, the place might be bugged, OK?.
AMIR: By who?
BEN: You wouldn't know.
(As he says this, BEN places a rag over AMIR's mouth)
BEN (Whispering over AMIR's muffled voice): Just sleep, sleep like a baby.
(AMIR wakes up sitting on a chair in another room. He sees BEN, holding a yellow balloon with a crudely drawn face on it in front of his face. AMIR shrieks as BEN moves the balloon to and from his face.)
BEN (Taking balloon away from face): It's a balloon, it's a balloon.
(AMIR is sitting in a chair with his right hand tucked into his pants.)
AMIR: What happened? What time is it? Where am I? What'd you do?
BEN: Time doesn't matter but let me tell you this: you could not be trusted in that other room.
AMIR: So why didn't you just ask me to leave? I would've walked out with you. Why is my hand down my pants?
BEN: Because that way you know my hand isn't down your pants, if your hand is-
AMIR: Then you'd have to put your hand down there when you put my hand down there?
BEN: Could you tip your head back real quick?
(AMIR does so.)
BEN (throwing rag over AMIR's face): ...and inhale...
(AMIR falls asleep.)
(AMIR is lying on a table, both his hands tucked into his pants. BEN climbs on top of him.)
AMIR: Oh- my gosh.
(BEN laughs)
AMIR: Why two hands?
BEN: Y2K- you remember that a couple months back? Listen, I printed out all of Drake's likes, you study those (whispering) he's gonna be best friends with you.
AMIR: K... Right.
BEN (Pulling out a piece of paper and placing it on AMIR's chest): K? All you need to do, you ready?
AMIR: Yeah...
BEN: You ready to get a new best friend?
AMIR: I'm ready...
BEN and AMIR: I'm ready to get a new best friend!
BEN: Say it with me:
BEN and AMIR: I'm ready to get a new best friend!
BEN: It's a great day!
BEN and AMIR: I'm ready to get a new best friend!
BEN: Fantastic!
(Simultaneously)
AMIR: It's a great day...
BEN: I'm gonna go to the bathroom, OK?
AMIR: OK...
BEN: OK-
(BEN places a rag over AMIR's mouth, AMIR passes out.)
[TITLE]: TO BE CONTINUED
[COLLEGEHUMOR LOGO]
(In the toilets, BEN flushes the toilet and exits one of the cubicles to wash his hands. AMIR is lying on the counter, he places AMIR's left hand in his pants and then buttons up his third button before leaving the toilets.)