INTRO
Amir: In west Philadelphia we were raised-
Jake (interrupting): Stop.
Amir: You will let me finish.
Jake: (singing under breath while walking to soda machine)
Amir: (joins in singing from inside vending machine)
Jake: Woah! Dude, dude. Wow, oh my god. You're in the vending machine.
Amir: Wow, Sherlock Hays deduced another miracle. Ah, congratulations, genius, you figured it out.
Jake: You're insulting my intelligence while you're stuck in the vending machine.
Amir: Yes.
Jake: Ok. How did this happen?
Amir: How 'bout 'Hi, how are you doing, how are you doing today, ok, because-
Jake (interrupting): How long have you been back there?
Amir: Barely two days.
Jake: Two day?!
Amir: Well, is it Saturday?
Jake: It's Monday!
Amir: Oh. (chuckle) That explains why people are at work today. It's like 'Who works on a Saturday? Go home!' (chuckle) You know, you workaholics. Time flies!
Jake: Does time fly?
Amir: No. It's crawling. I'm really, really cramped.
Jake: Ok, so not to harp on this, but how did this happen? Why?
Amir: Abridged version?
Jake: Sure.
Amir: I don't know.
Jake: Ok, long version.
Amir: Leron told me there was money in here.
Jake: Gotcha. So the abridged version is a lie.
Amir: Oh. Yeah. Look, do you want something or not?
Jake: I was gonna get a Dr. Pepper, but now I should probably go and get you help.
Amir: No n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n no no! Are you crazy? Don't be silly. One Dr. Pepper coming up on me, the vending machine man.
Jake (shouting over the sound of Amir hitting the machine and talking): It's fine! It's fine! I don't want it! Just stop! Stop! Stop! I'll buy my own Dr. Pepper, I'll buy it, ok? Are you happy? Here.
Amir: (screams after dollar is put in the machine) Oh oh oh! The machine is murdering me!
Jake: Oh, no! No no no no! Oh my god Amir, I'm so sorry! Oh no no.
Amir: Oh my god! My ribs! My sides! My thighs are burning!
Jake: Oh my god, oh no no no no no it's blood. Um, so, are you ok?
Amir: (starts singing Waking Up In Vegas in a pained, muffled tone)
Jake: (joins in) Ok, that's good. Keep on singing, keep on singing, I'll be right back. I'm gonna get help
OUTRO
Pat: Soda pop: the final frontier. These are the beverages—
Amir: NERD!
Pat: (hits the vending machine in surprise) Oh my god, Amir?!