INTRO:
AMIR: Hey you're watching Jake and Amir and it's funnier than Mad About You.
JAKE: Mad About You?
AMIR: Yeah the TV show.
JAKE: No, I know...
[Jake is sitting on a couch reading a book (Euripides: Ten Plays). Amir is laying on the couch on his back but with his legs over the back of the couch.]
(Amir grabs Jake's book out of his hand and spins around to be sitting normally on the couch while delivering his line.)
AMIR: Ah, let's think, I've had about like nine New Year's Resolutions, and kept.. none of 'em?
JAKE: [Are] You bragging?
AMIR: Well usually I have more and keep.. none of them, so I feel like this is an improvement.
JAKE: Well percentage-wise it's still the same.
(Amir thinks, then looks puzzled and fans his face with Jake's book.)
AMIR: How do you figure?
JAKE: This is why I can't talk to you, okay? Ten seconds in, and we've hit a wall. You need a basic un--
(Amir puts his finger to Jake's lips.)
JAKE: Don't touch my lips, please--
AMIR: Talk is.. cheap.
JAKE: Okay, yeah, you ha--
AMIR: New year, new rule, you can't make fun of me--(he pukes on the floor, making a BLUUUEEAHHH sound)--if, and ONLY if,--
JAKE: No, no-w-what the fuck was that?!
AMIR: You don't make fun of me,--
JAKE: No, no, you just puked on the floor.
AMIR: (puzzled) Oohhhhkaayy?
(Jake looks at Amir, equally puzzled.)
AMIR: ...Anyway,--
JAKE: No, not anyway, you have to clean it up.
AMIR: (Sarcastic) Clean what up, my PUKE?
JAKE: ..Yeah...
AMIR: (Slight laugh.) Let's just agree to--(pukes on the floor a second time, making the same noise as before)--to disagree.
JAKE: Oh my God, you're so unheal--(Amir sneezes in Jake's face)--OAH! (pause) What the F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?
AMIR: You're overreacting!
JAKE: I'm adequately reacting; you just sneezed puke into my face, okay, how do you want me to react?
AMIR: God bless you, for one. Okay how many times have I sneezed since you got here, man, you--
JAKE: I don't count.
AMIR: THAT'S.. your problem!
JAKE: There's puke on your chin.
AMIR: ...That's my problem.
END.