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Couples Therapist (starring Ben Schwartz)

Episode ID: 279

Air date: 2009-12-16

Video: Link

Scribe: u/LittleMonster47

Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir, and I can dunk a basketball.

Jake: No one will believe that.

Amir: Well, they don't have to.

Jake: What?

Amir: Jake, uh, can you come in here for a second? Ricky's office.

Jake: Yea, sure. What's up?

Amir: Solid.

Amir: This is gonna be...

Jake: Whats up guys?

Amir: Yeah.

Therapist: Can you take a seat real quick?

Jake: Sure thing. On his lap or...

Therapist: It's really up to you.

Jake: ... next to him?

Amir: Next to me is fine.

Jake: You good?

(Jake puts his arm around Amir)

Jake : You look familiar.

Therapist: Do I?

Amir: No, he doesn't.

Jake: I guess not, no.

Amir: You're fine.

Therapist: Amir brought me in here 'cause I'm a couple therapist.

Amir: Well, you're not a couple therapist. You're just one therapist. You're a couples therapist.

(Jake laughs, Therapist laughs ridiculously, like a seal.)

Jake: Oh man.

Amir: That's funny.

Therapist: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he told me there was something wrong with the relationship between you two guys.

Amir: Barely. It's just sometimes it feels like we're not as good of friends as we should be.

Therapist: I bet you guys are more on the same page than you think. What's your favorite food on three. One, two, three.

Jake and Amir: Chicken nuggets

Jake: Oh my goodness

Amir:Come on

Therapist:Wow.

Amire: What is the odds..

Jake: You're so strong.

Therapist: Low odds, low odds, low odds.

Jake: Look at this guy.

Amir: It doesn't even hurt me when he hits me like that.

Therapist: Jake, Amir brought me in here because he said you guys are best friends, but you're not really communicating.

Amir: Exactly, meet me in the middle, ok? Because I wanna be...

Jake, Amir Therapist: (singing) Stuck in the middle with you shh

Therapist: Now, if you guys communicate better, you can get more work done.

Jake: Yes, you're right. Amir brings his computer to work everyday.

Amir:Everyday.

Therapist: Come on now, everyday?

Jake Amir: Yeah.

Therapist: You know what? He also brought you something today, he brought you a copy of your favorite movie on DVD.

Jake: Pride and Prejudice? Hahaha.

Therapist: Unbelievable

Jake: Let's watch this tonight, man.

Therapist: Now, what I like to do at the end of all my sessions is, I want you guys both to get up, look each other in the eyes, and say the thing you've always wanted

to say to each other.

Jake Amir: I love you.

Jake: Dammit man.

Therapist: Big break throughs, big break through.

(Therapist motor boats Jake and Amir as they hug)

(Scene changes, it's just Amir and the Therapist standing in the room)

Amir: (Motorboating an imaginary person)...and you're just loving it. And then basically, that's my fantasy. You, the couples therapist, make that happen. Me and Jake

become best friends.

Therapist: That's exactly what's gonna happen?

Amir: Yes.

Therapist: Except for the motor boating, 'cause that made no sense. Right?

Amir: Let's get Jake.

Therapist: Ok, let's get Jake.

Amir: Jake, can you come into the... Ricky office?

Jake: No

Amir: I mean...

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